Abbott: Well Costello, Im going to New York with you. You know Bucky Harris, the Yankees manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as youre on the team. Costello: Look Abbott, if youre the coach, you must know all the players. Abbott: I certainly do. Costello: Well you know Ive never met the guys. So youll have to tell me their names, and then Ill know whos playing on the team. Abbott: Oh, Ill tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names. Costello: You mean funny names? Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean... Costello: His brother Daffy. Abbott: Daffy Dean... Costello: And their French cousin. Abbott: French? Costello: Goofè. Abbott: Goofè Dean. Well, lets see, we have on the bags, Whos on first, Whats on second, I Dont Know is on third... Costello: Thats what I want to find out. Abbott: I say Whos on first, Whats on second, I Dont Knows on third. Costello: Are you the manager? Abbott: Yes. Costello: You gonna be the coach too? Abbott: Yes. Costello: And you dont know the fellows names? Abbott: Well I should. Costello: Well then whos on first? Abbott: Yes. Costello: I mean the fellows name. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy on first. Abbott: Who. Costello: The first baseman. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy playing... Abbott: Who is on first! Costello: Im asking YOU whos on first. Abbott: Thats the mans name. Costello: Thats whos name? Abbott: Yes. Costello: Well go ahead and tell me. Abbott: Thats it. Costello: Thats who? Abbott: Yes. PAUSE Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman? Abbott: Certainly. Costello: Whos playing first? Abbott: Thats right. Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money? Abbott: Every dollar of it. Costello: All Im trying to find out is the fellows name on first base. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy that gets... Abbott: Thats it. Costello: Who gets the money... Abbott: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it. Costello: Whos wife? Abbott: Yes. PAUSE Abbott: Whats wrong with that? Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name? Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy. Abbott: Who. Costello: How does he sign... Abbott: Thats how he signs it. Costello: Who? Abbott: Yes. PAUSE Costello: All Im trying to find out is whats the guys name on first base. Abbott: No. What is on second base. Costello: Im not asking you whos on second. Abbott: Whos on first. Costello: One base at a time! Abbott: Well, dont change the players around. Costello: Im not changing nobody! Abbott: Take it easy, buddy. Costello: Im only asking you, whos the guy on first base? Abbott: Thats right. Costello: Ok. Abbott: All right. PAUSE Costello: Whats the guys name on first base? Abbott: No. What is on second. Costello: Im not asking you whos on second. Abbott: Whos on first. Costello: I dont know. Abbott: Hes on third, were not talking about him. Costello: Now how did I get on third base? Abbott: Why you mentioned his name. Costello: If I mentioned the third basemans name, who did I say is playing third? Abbott: No. Whos playing first. Costello: Whats on first? Abbott: Whats on second. Costello: I dont know. Abbott: Hes on third. Costello: There I go, back on third again! PAUSE Costello: Would you just stay on third base and dont go off it. Abbott: All right, what do you want to know? Costello: Now whos playing third base? Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base? Costello: What am I putting on third. Abbott: No. What is on second. Costello: You dont want who on second? Abbott: Who is on first. Costello: I dont know. Abbott & Costello Together:Third base! PAUSE Costello: Look, you gotta outfield? Abbott: Sure. Costello: The left fielders name? Abbott: Why. Costello: I just thought Id ask you. Abbott: Well, I just thought Id tell ya. Costello: Then tell me whos playing left field. Abbott: Whos playing first. Costello: Im not... stay out of the infield! I want to know whats the guys name in left field? Abbott: No, What is on second. Costello: Im not asking you whos on second. Abbott: Whos on first! Costello: I dont know. Abbott & Costello Together: Third base! PAUSE Costello: The left fielders name? Abbott: Why. Costello: Because! Abbott: Oh, hes centerfield. PAUSE Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team? Abbott: Sure. Costello: The pitchers name? Abbott: Tomorrow. Costello: You dont want to tell me today? Abbott: Im telling you now. Costello: Then go ahead. Abbott: Tomorrow! Costello: What time? Abbott: What time what? Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me whos pitching? Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching. Costello: Ill break your arm, you say whos on first! I want to know whats the pitchers name? Abbott: Whats on second. Costello: I dont know. Abbott & Costello Together: Third base! PAUSE Costello: Gotta a catcher? Abbott: Certainly. Costello: The catchers name? Abbott: Today. Costello: Today, and tomorrows pitching. Abbott: Now youve got it. Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team. PAUSE Costello: You know Im a catcher too. Abbott: So they tell me. Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrows pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, Im gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who? Abbott: Now thats the first thing youve said right. Costello: I dont even know what Im talking about! PAUSE Abbott: Thats all you have to do. Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base. Abbott: Yes! Costello: Now whos got it? Abbott: Naturally. PAUSE Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebodys gotta get it. Now who has it? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Who? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Naturally? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally. Abbott: No you dont, you throw the ball to Who. Costello: Naturally. Abbott: Thats different. Costello: Thats what I said. Abbott: Youre not saying it... Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally. Abbott: You throw it to Who. Costello: Naturally. Abbott: Thats it. Costello: Thats what I said! Abbott: You ask me. Costello: I throw the ball to who? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Now you ask me. Abbott: You throw the ball to Who? Costello: Naturally. Abbott: Thats it. Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Dont Know. I Dont Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I dont know! Hes on third and I dont give a darn! Abbott: What? Costello: I said I dont give a darn! Abbott: Oh, thats our shortstop.
Posted on: Tue, 19 Nov 2013 03:09:38 +0000
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