Accepting Criticism Productively Dr. Hendrie Weisinger | Hendrie Davis Weisinger, PhD. logo view transcript terms of usage How do you take criticism? See, I found that most people, when they take criticism, it‘s like a knife being thrown at them. So they duck, they dodge, but the problem is the person keeps throwing the knife. Other people just sit there, “Oh, it got me!” So long self esteem. Other people say, “Oh, you’re gonna criticize me?” Hah, you throw a knife back. You’ve now escalated the situation. Criticism remember, is a very escalating process. Wife says to her husband, Tuck in your shirt before we go out. You look like a slob.” The guy gets a little defensive. Five seconds later, “You’re gonna wear that dress tonight? It looks like you gained a few pounds.” And before you know it, the situation has gotten so out a hand and nobody knows how. Therefore, as a way of changing that, learn to take criticism productively. The say you do that is one, information that can help me grow. That needs to be your thought. I am not saying that all criticism is helpful. You have to appraise the criticism. What’s in it for you? What are the benefits? “Yes, boss, how is this going to help me?” Ask yourself, “Is the person qualified to criticize you?” Not whether you respect them, just because you respect a person, unless you assume respect is equivalent to competency. I’ve gotten some of the best criticism in my life when I was a graduate student, from people I did not like. But that doesn’t mean they were not right on. So one of the things that you need to do is evaluate the criticism. And you evaluate it by asking yourself, “What are the benefits that are in it for me?” Do other people tell me the same thing? If everybody is telling you the same thing, you got to look at yourself. If only your boss is addressing this point, then maybe that is unique to that particular interaction. So the consistency of the criticism tells you, do you have to change yourself or are you going to focus on the interaction? Very important. How much energy is required? Somebody, one of my friends looks at my book. “Oh, this will be much better if you change this.” “Yeah, you’re right but I’m not doing it. You know why? Who’s gonna know? It’s not worth it. The effort isn’t worth it. So that’s why you always have to say, “What are the benefits?” You might not know all the benefits. Your boss might tell you a third benefit that you never even thought of and then that makes it easier to do. So the message here is that when somebody criticizes you, you have to get your mind right. It’s not a put down. Even if they say it in a put down way, they don’t know how to do it. That’s why they say things and you say things like, I don’t know how to tell you this but...” You’ve never been taught how to give criticism. So give the person some leniency, the art of taking criticism is to be able to respond productively, even when they person is giving it in a very negative or destructive way. If my editor said to me, “Hank, this manuscript stinks.” Instead of getting defensive, I’m gonna say, “Okay, tell me what part stinks the most.” And by asking the right questions, I will get all the information that I can use in a way that’s gonna help me write a better book. So instead of getting defensive, tell me how I can do better, evaluate it and also, and young people forget this, a very effective way of dealing with criticism is, “I need to think about it.” See, sometimes you get so defensive, you can’t really think about it. So a basic premise of emotional intelligence is that as you start to calm yourself, you can actually appraise the situation more accurately. Somebody gives you criticism on a Monday, you get defensive. But by the end of the week, after you’ve thought about it, “Man, this is really good information that can help me.”
Posted on: Fri, 07 Feb 2014 19:30:00 +0000
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