An interesting few days... and for whatever reason, a lot of push-pull is happening in my heart these last few days. I am blessed to have a job that I really love. But staying home with Liam yesterday while he was sick, and then driving home with Lucia today Ive had a few moments of what the hell am I doing with my life moments. Yesterday with Liam was just the wonder of our pre-nap walk to check out life... what is that bulldozer doing mommy? look at that big dirt pile mommy! Mommy? I really tired, I need a snuggle... Todays was me listening to Lucias day in the car on the way home, and then making the mistake of looking at a work email that made me comment out loud (not in a good way) and seeing her shoulders slump. I promptly put the phone down and apologized to her. And hopefully, have been able to refill her emotional bank account tonight. But Im not sure. Combine that, with just otherwise crummy stuff (nothing personal, but weighing on my heart none-the-less), Im just in a questioning mood about life, and my role as a mom in it right now vs. an employee, and those in life, who quite frankly arent as lucky as I am. Gosh this whole motherhood thing is hard sometimes. Life is just too short. And the sad thing is, I thought really, really hard about whether or not to post this. Screw it. Life sucks sometimes. Im great at my job, and Im a really good mom. But I still wonder whether Im screwing it up at the age of 41. Not sure that ever ends...? Not sure Ill ever know either. And maybe that is okay. So, Im going to go to bed with the kids, to watch DTS with Lu, and maybe tomorrow, just maybe, Ill do a little bit better and question a little less.
Posted on: Wed, 24 Sep 2014 00:15:24 +0000
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