An open letter to all of those that just cant bear to look at cancer or major illness: by: Jeannine Zitney Well thank you friends for your opinions...You really helped me sort out my feelings on this whole issue. Those of you that that have stood by us with prayers and otherwise ,I love you and I am forever grateful ,and you know this is not meant for you. If you read it and it stings ,well then it probably is. To the rest of you who will be seeing us in public ,and will be so uncomfortable and wont know what to do: First of all know that you are forgiven... Second of all know that I will never forget those things done ,(and not done) for us... I guess what is at the root of all of this is the fact that I have only recently been able to go out in public every once in a while. I havent been laying around dwelling on how bad everyone was to me. I have been too busy trying to get well and dealing with the many after effects of cancer on EVERY level. But since I have been in public I am now seeing the people that either stayed by our side or deserted us. I am thrilled to see the ones that loved us through it...But I could care less to see the others. Kind of sad that I used to be thrilled to see everyone It was not me that did this. I did nothing I was just here, I was just me...and neither did my kids. My crime? I got cancer... Not just a little cancer but the kind that forces you to turn over your children (your very soul) to others for just a slim chance to live. The kind that really shows the character of those around you ,and shows beyond a shadow who really loves you. The kind of cancer that brings to light your loved ones worst fear that you may die. They beg God to spare you vowing to do ANYTHING if he will just allow you to live and swearing to never leave your side...Some really do stay... Yet others, yes even those that say they love you and would never leave your side,in reality do nothing more than gossip about you and wonder if you are going to die. But otherwise, they run like hell. Why they run?... I do not know. maybe they are afraid you will ask them for something or actually expect them to mean the promises that they made. But never fear they will be GONE. Many of them.And you will feel hurt , betrayal and utter disbelief that they would not just do this to you, but to your children. Somehow you and those that are left for you make it through this hell. When you finally crawl out from under the rubble and start looking for the sunshine in the hopes that your battle is over not just for now but for good. And you try to make a new normal Up they pop seemingly everywhere with some lame smile and sorry excuse, or worst of all want to hug me. Then, most often have the nerve to ask how I am... when you havent given a damn for all this time. if you had cared you would have tried to see me while you knew I was still alive. As, it was no secret how ill I was. You tell me how big the girls have gotten ...Really?? Well, thats no thanks to anything you contributed. I have no obligation to hug you, rid you of your guilt or be anymore to you than you were to me through this mess. I dont tell every story of what happens to me on here ,because sometimes it just stings too bad to recount ,but here goes a good one... A lady I used to sit with ,and speak to non stop at dance for hours every week, recently saw me and Tori in the back of the shoe store . I immediately smiled a real big, happy to see my friend smile ,and Tori the same, until the woman looked as if she saw a ghost ,scooped up her little girl ,and no lie ran to the front of the store, so as to not have to speak. I will NEVER again allow an unwanted hug from someone that I feel is insincere. I think that part bothered me the most. That I stood there so hurt and she hugged me and ridded herself of her guilt. I guarantee she did not spend more than a minute thinking about me or my girls for the rest of the day,even though I told her how much they suffered because no one was here for them. I think all of the excuses are just that ,excuses, I do not accept them . Not when it comes to the lack of caring about my childrens well being or feelings. And as a very wise friend said that knows me well... Justi Herring Laughery I didnt need nor want that hug,she can keep it. My kids however, would have appreciated it at any time over the last year...THEY really needed it. That hug was 0% about me and 100% about her ridding her own guilt...period. This is not an issue that I need couch time on, though after cancer there are many such issues, this is not one. If you just cant possibly be with a cancer patient...I have huge issues with that statement alone...but... why not make a phone call, cant find the words? well then, why not drop a card? a text? ...cant find the sentiment. Then drop some food off on the porch..Or send an anonymous note that you are praying for us... I cannot tell you what a card written to my girls would have meant to them, they did receive a few but most of those were from people here on FB..It would take far less time and money to do so than to get your mani pedi I have experienced the almost discrimination of being a Cancer patient, we and other people dying or fighting major illnesses are just like you...and could be you in all reality at any time. It does hurt us that you stay away...but I have decided through all of this that if you cannot find empathy in your soul and strength in your countenance then I do not want to be in your presence anyways. I would much rather be in the presence of a room full of dying people any day... They are the most compassionate, wonderful people I know. Even in their weakened state, willing to offer a kind word, a helping hand... NEVER looking away, NEVER shying away. And there is no one in the world more stressed, fearful, and afraid than them as they ARE FACING death... I am not angry , bitter or needing to let go of my feelings...as they are valid and real and well earned... I felt like everyone is so eager to make excuses as to why me and others like me should excuse this behavior because people are full of fear. Some cases I am sure are due to extreme loss, that may be the case .But by in large...it is because if you look at it, you may have to do something about it and no one wants to be inconvenienced. Plain and simple. And I am sorry that our dying or trying to live inconveniences you. I do need to rid myself of something and that is the need to feel like I owe anyone that has treated me or the girls bad...or worst yet as if we didnt exist, the time of day. After having thought this through I wouldnt want to waste the ink on a letter to anyone like that... Or the hugs! And that certainly will NOT happen again! I am not jaded, I am not mean...I said in the beginning I prayed I would come out me ,only wiser. Well I certainly hope I have. I know I am stronger in so many ways. It is not me that needs fixing...I forgive when it is asked but my illness has been long and hard and a half hearted hug is not an Im sorry. I am sick and tired of the way this world is...full of excuses...But empty of compassion and humanity and mercy ,by so many. So now heres my advice to you...If you cannot just cannot bear to be near those ill ,albeit family or otherwise. Maybe, you should go and talk to someone to teach YOU how to let it go ,so that WE, those that didnt ask to be ill and are trying to live dont have to be inconvenienced by YOU. Because your problems really hurt us. But, that is in the past because I have put that hurt, and you, behind me and am working on helping my girls wade through the hard lessons of how people are at their tender ages...I will no longer feel awkward or worry about who I may run into. You, will be as invisible to me now as we have been to you for the past nearly two years. I truly feel so much better now...in more ways than one.
Posted on: Fri, 23 May 2014 23:47:02 +0000
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