Another graphic blog from Hamish.... so last blog i assured you that i would not be so crass as to delve into the intricacies of my various physical ailments – they were such that i thought that a high level of detail could bring about some psychological ones of your own. However, for the purposes of this story please excuse some of the explicit and probably unwelcome detail; it had to be included. Before we set out, everyone with any experience of ocean rowing forewarned me that with the sport comes an absolute guarantee of developing ‘botty-spots’ – acne of the ass. By some, the warning was even supported by shocking photographic evidence to prove the point. For every day that i was at sea Id be blessed with a fine crop of unsightly pustules on my behind. As i have discovered pretty quick, on this boat you are never truly standing. Not only do you spend 12 hours each day sliding up and down on your rowing seat – you spend the rest in some form of seated position while trying to hold yourself steady. SO, tush time 24/7. Add a lot of salt, sweat, and yes... faecal matter and you should get the picture; the scene is set for un-pleasantries to ensue. Exacerbating this is what us Al-Gore and us Geographers ( yes i studied it at university, and yes, Im great and colouring between the lines) aptly refer to as the ‘green-house’ effect – a hot damp cabin which is a sure catalyst for those aforementioned ‘botty-spots’ to flourish! Not good! Two weeks in and my ass looks like the surface of the moon.... after Armstrong trod on it.... and then his buddy Buzz lanced it with his flag pole. Little by little I’m starting to lose ownership of myself out here! Earlier, I had generously allowed the boys to give it a look over. Their reaction said it all. The end of my second shift of the day and I was in utter agony – so bad in fact that i had resorted to the side saddled rowing position – big lean one way so as to keep just one cheek on the seat at any time; this momentarily relieves the pressure and the pain on the other. This does however, only really last as long as you can hold the position. Then youre wobbled out of it and come crashing back down onto the other cheek; showering the crew with expletives. Add this position to my furrowed grimace and the energetic guttural noises I was making and Im finally there.... I now look exactly like an ocean rower is supposed to. Last winter i developed shingles. Yes I’m sure i have ladies swooning at just the thought. Without digressing too much, I was given a large dose of ‘heavy meds’ to alleviate the pain. Largely this came in the form of a painkiller called Tramadol. For those who have experienced it Im sure theyll testify that its fairly potent stuff! My time with shingles flew past - before i could even register what was going on, most of the week had passed – a nice time out from kiddies and their irksome dental hygiene i can tell you... Long story short, i had some left over which Id thrown into my kit bag; of course, these were only to be used in time of dire necessity. As my eyes waters and my sphincter teared up I knew that this was one of those times – so one 50 mg down the hatch. Nothing. ‘Damn’!’ – the torment of my ass waged on. ‘Maybe theyd gone off???, i mean, it had been a while’ End of my 2 hours and I ‘John Wayned it back to my cabin. Once inside, I proceeded to give myself a thorough seeing to’; Dont jump the gun now ladies. Mind racing, I had decided to address the issue back at the source. I would become Admiral OCD himself on tending to my personal hygiene. Prevent rather than cure was my solution. If I could at least stop some of those spots sprouting up then Id be doing myself a major blessing. And while I was at it, why not paint over the cracks as well.... so in went another 50 mg. Much like Jordan Belfour and his Queeloods episode, I was so let down by my medication I now considered them defunct – what was there to lose.... Ten before I was due back on the ores and Im feeling fantastic. Who knew, a couple extra baby wipes here and there, a comb and even a dollop of moisturiser. I felt a million dollars! This had been an eye opener ( literally) ! ‘yes, yes, yes ‘ I mused... ‘ the body CAN really influence the mind, a sound body, a sound mind and all that wisdom in between’ – profound stuff this was. With just the act of cleaning myself up a little and i feel transformed. How simple! Everything is clearer, brighter, more colourful even - wow, what had i missed out on over these last 23 years. If only i listened to my mother and scrubbed that little bit harder. ‘5 MINUTES, 5 MINUTES!!!!!!!’ The sudden burst of noise and i leapt outta my skin ( couldnt go that far in this cabin mind but still ) ‘no need to yell in my ear asshole’ i retorted ‘ Two weeks in and i get the gist by now...I mean, Duuuuh’ I swung round and tried to give Gus my most incredulous glare. ‘You alright Ham – looks like youve seen a ghost’ this wasnt the reaction id been banking on...but ‘aaaaaahhhh’, tick, tick, tick and LIGHT BULB... The Tramadol may not have been do defunct after all. I try to it iterate to Gus what I may have done and apparently, although I was ‘not all that clear’ he slowly gets the picture and then just starts crapping himself . He gets the giggles uncontrollably. Much like an exhibit at the zoo , he then calls over the entire crew. Nervously peering out of my cabin I cannot begin to comprehend how I appeared – probably not all that great. Paw by pay, I clamber myself out on deck and quickly fasten myself on. I have to say that after that, the next 6 hours were some of the most joyous of the trip. Its doubtful that Jamie took the same view as, like a trout out of water I struggled to keep my mouth shut. Still, all I can say is that the stars that night were some of the most eclectic and vivid Ive ever laid eyes upon/. And, I got to enjoy the spectacle with absolutely no distraction from my derriere, as yep, I couldnt feel it. Although I wont be going anyway near those bastards again, it did prove to be yet another successful 24 hour period. Again, we managed to exceed the total mileage required to break the record and are still all in high spirits. Not long now and we’ll have reached a third of the way!!!
Posted on: Thu, 17 Jul 2014 11:48:32 +0000
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