Archies Guide to Solo Parenting Criminal Midgets (the final chapter... for now) Lesson 4 - Cute, blonde haired, blue eyed criminals are still criminals (as are doe eyed, eloquent, brunette criminals) - See also Lesson 1 Today we all went out to dinner & my children utterly enchanted the waitress to the extent that she passed comment on how much she had enjoyed serving them. Archie by rolling a model train over my head then laughing uproariously at the fact that Daddy has a train on his head, also by eating his mac & cheese with the kind of passion that is usually only seen amongst coke addicts visiting Tony Montanas house. Elspeth meanwhile, informed both myself and our waitress of her school day, told us both multiple interesting facts about sea dwelling mammals (her phrase) all while eating sausages & chips as daintily as either foodstuff allows. In short, I may never have been prouder of the public persona of my children as I was in that moment. 2 minutes later they were both in tears. What happened you ask? Archie sat on the wrong side of the trailer... thats it. Elspeth responded to this outrage by tearing Archies Mr Spock toy in half (dont worry, he snaps right back together, a fact little used in Star Trek). Archie then bit Elspeths shoulder... Elspeth tried to stab Archie in the eye with Mr Spocks disembodied legs... I grabbed Mr Spocks broken body and shouted loudly enough to make them both look at me and they burst in to new, more directed tears. Children, anyones children, no matter how adorable, are literally only seconds away from descending in to horrifying, selfish little shits for no reason other than it might result in them getting to sit in their preferred seat. Watching Elspeth & Archie interact is like watching a prison yard drama unfold every day while playing the role of councillor trying to teach them that violence is not the only way. When Christina is around we get to play good cop/bad cop. One tries to teach them the bounds of social norms while the other assures them that life will go on and that Mummy & Daddy still love them no matter what. On your own you have to switch from angry parent to snuggly parent, all while your blood boils and your heart soars. That is harder than juggling flaming chainsaws while trying to solve a Rubiks Cube with your teeth. To everyone who has liked this mini series of gin induced brain dumping, I thank you for your kind words. Normally, I just spout all this nonsense at Christina while she smiles and nods in a reassuring fashion. I have loved every moment of my one-on-two time with the criminal midgets and cannot wait for the immortal mothering, ninja goddess that is my wife to get back to town and start making me look like a total amateur once more. For those who have never seen it, this is the Dylan Moran skit from which the pet name for my offspring was born (drunken midgets is fair for toddlers, but the sheer malevolent inventiveness of you 3-6 year old = criminality).
Posted on: Wed, 24 Sep 2014 22:09:54 +0000
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