Body and Terry made mistakes as singles and now they have problems with trust in their marriage. What should they do? Pastor Dunamis Tunde Okunowo (KHC) All the names here are fictitious. The home of the Johnsons has always been tense. Like the humorously wicked characters in Tom and Jerry, they fought constantly. By the way, if you have two boys in the house, don’t allow them to watch Tom and Jerry too often, otherwise, they wouldn’t like themselves! Bode and Terry Johnson never trusted each other. They were born again, tongue talking, demon chasing believers, but they are usually suspicious of each other. They have been married for six years, yet the issue of trust is still a big deal. The other time Bode travelled out of the country for about three weeks, they still fought on the phone on issues that bothered on trust. They were constantly checking on each other, about who they were with, who visited them, who they visited and so on until they got on each other’s nerves. Bode was there, wondering about who his wife might be with at work. Terry too never had peace of mind because she never seemed to know what Bode was capable of doing. Trust is fundamental to the success of a relationship or marriage, but here they are with their trust for each other in question. In situations like this, there is usually a source of the fears they have for each other. Something has happened in time past that keeps the trigger of suspicion on all the time. As they sat to be counseled, I began to probe into their past and beginning from where and how they met each other. First of all, both of them had come from a home where either of the parents cheated at least once. Whether they agreed or not, they both came into a relationship with some attitude from defective parental examples. They were both born again Christians when they met. As a matter of fact, they met in the fellowship. Bode was the president of the fellowship while Terry was the prayer secretary. Both posts were pivotal and they are practically the leaders of the fellowship. They were in love with each other the moment they set eyes on each other, and they expressed the love for one another. However, the executives of the fellowship were not allowed to initiate a relationship or be in courtship while in the office unless they have started a relationship before assuming the office. So, they had to keep the relationship secret. However, they were so much in love and in no time, they began to get physical. They haven’t gone all the way yet, but it was like they got involved in everything apart from actual penetration. It wasn’t a good time for them, because they would ask God to forgive them and they would be there again. Eventually, they went all the way and they compromised. It was difficult for them because everybody looked up to them. They began to live in deceit. They needed help but they didn’t know who they can talk to without been seen as the greatest and the most monumental disgrace and disappointment to Christianity! After a while, the deception went to another level, Bode’s conscience became seared and he believed the lie that God must be overlooking what he was doing since he would still operate under the anointing. Bode would sleep with Terry and then would still preach on fornication. He was a walking corpse…and he didn’t know. Terry could not handle that level of deception. Eventually, she went to seek help, and both of them were summoned over the holidays and restored back to their fellowship with God. They stopped from that time on till they eventually got married, but a wrong seed has been sown into the foundation of their marital journey and that is what is haunting them six years after marriage. Terry believed that Bode would still compromise at any opportunity because he could accommodate deception while he was the president of the fellowship. Bode believed, that since Terry could not stop him then and be strong, she is still probably weak and vulnerable and he keeps searching her phone suspiciously all the time. As they sat before me in the office, I counseled them and then explained a few things. 1. While you were on Campus, you gave access to the devil in your life when you flouted the rules of the fellowship. That deception was the loophole that the devil capitalized on to have an inroad into your life. You see, one degree away from truth is falsehood. When you start telling lies, you are dancing on the terrain of the devil because he is that father of all lies. 2. You had no mentor or pastor over your relationship. There will always be issues you wouldn’t be able to handle alone. Mentors are supposed to save you from tormentors of life. 3. God is never mocked. All the time you combined ministering with deceptive lifestyle, it was only the mercy of God that kept you alive. You were sowing wrong seeds that would later haunt you. 4. The compromise you have then has destroyed trust between the two of you. And up till now that trust is still missing. You now need to do something about it so that you don’t crash your marriage eventually. No marriage will survive without trust. 5. You asked God for forgiveness and He forgave you, but both of you have refused to forgive yourselves. 6. You need to forgive yourselves and allow trust to be rebuilt again in your life. If you keep on being victims of your past, your past will control you. 7. As a married couple, find someone to mentor both of you. 8. And now, an important point. Consciously build trust again. You do that by constant communication. Never hide anything from each other again. Be open; be naked and not ashamed. Don’t allow secrets to be discovered. That will rupture trust the more. If anybody is disturbing you, open up immediately. If he or she has to discover, then trust is ruptured the more. 9. Pray together regularly. You cannot ignore that. 10. Relax together. Talk a lot. Go on outings together. Spend time together and rebuild that trust!
Posted on: Tue, 09 Sep 2014 06:13:30 +0000
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