Crap. Sometimes the internet and technology are the greatest things I could ever hope for. And then they are the absolute worst!!!! Kinda like Walmart, it has everything you ever wanted at great prices, then you cant find anything you want. The internet crash kills me. When I have the idea and the mood to write, it has to be acted upon immediately. Well, after attempting to access FB three times, my foul mood has completely overwhelmed that tiny little creative and ignorantly optimistic side of me. I woke up this morning in a vile mood. Sometimes I do and it kinda entertains me trying to figure out why. Like I have two personalities, one me - the other the one that I wake up with. But when a mood like this appears, it is like my head is a basketball and a big, mean hand has palmed my head. The sunrise isnt beautiful, it is an annoying glare in the eastern sky that inhibits my ability to see the elk or deer in the timber. The happy dogs that greet me in the morning are trying to trip me up and are so stupid they dont even realize it. The horses are viciously trying to steal the hay from my arms to keep me from throwing it into the feeders. The solitude and silence that I have cherished all of my life is suddenly a voucher that I have no friends, that life doesnt really need me. In these moments of self pity and reeling anger, I have let it take control to the fullest extent. The wonderful thing about living miles from any other human is that you are alone if you want to be. It is so incredibly delightful to have a good old temper tantrum. The kind that parents would spank you for. Throw yourself on the ground, thump the earth and curse God, your parents, your siblings, the color of your hide, the size of your body, the fact that you were born! Let your snot run, your eyes water, your voice ruin itself til it only squeaks. And then a raven may shriek, a coyote howl, a bull elk bugles, a confused dog cautiously steps up and licks your hand. And, try as I may, wanting to remain in this putrid little bad mood consuming my every action, it breaks. I have to laugh. I suddenly am overwhelmed, bowled over, by the blessings in my life. I have a life. And a great life. I live with a partner that stands beside me come hell or high water. He will back me, lead me, support me, in anything I commit myself to. But I have to commit. When I quit committing, he will quit. He demands that we live each day with a purpose, a zest, a desire. And he will stand back and laugh when I have my fits. And I hate him then. I think I want him to fold with me. He wont. And that is good. Because I have to come out of the little fantasy fit and he is there for me when I do. Sometimes I wonder why God has blessed me. I hope someday to feel that I have lived a life that will attempt to deserve it.
Posted on: Sun, 09 Nov 2014 03:14:00 +0000