Dear all, A serious note today. Spoiler alert - this might be what some consider oversharing, but to hell with it. Following the recent tragic death of Robin Williams, I feel compelled to share a little bit on depression. Someone you know has had contact with it. Someone you know probably has been through a period of it. It is everywhere and it is sometimes impossible to detect. Depression has garnered a lot more attention in recent years and has had a lot of the stigma removed from it, but there are many who still suffer behind closed doors. It is a very difficult thing to understand and, unless you personally have felt the weight of it, an even more difficult thing with which to empathize. As many of you who know me well are already aware, Ive struggled with it for years. Sometimes its bad. Sometimes its worse. Sometimes its so extreme that I feel like Im not going to make it through to the next morning. I had a period of severe depression recently. Thinking back to it from a more objective position really highlights the insidious nature of the condition. I was living in comfort. I was in a loving relationship. I had friends around me. I had family nearby. I had no serious financial worries. I was doing the job of my dreams. I had my health (mostly!). In short, my life looked pretty good from the outside! But there was a numbing darkness pervading everything I did, everything I thought, every single aspect of my life. Moments of fleeting happiness only served to highlight the severity of how brutally miserable I was. Nothing helped to lift my spirits. No matter what I tried, hopelessness won. Anxiety and fear and bitterness won. Depression was beating me. I thought genuinely about what would happen if I was no longer in this world, if I took the option to cut short what was fast becoming an unbearable existence despite all of the external signs of a good life. The moment that gave me a certain clarity was as I was driving along, my mind racing yet blank, and I had to pull over to stop myself from fulfilling this incredible urge to plough my car into a wall at 80mph. It wasnt the only time I had felt this magnetic pull towards oblivion, but this time it felt so intense, so real. A momentary lapse longer and I might not be here today writing this. But instead of going full throttle into a brick wall, instead of listening to the bellowing depression screaming this is enough, I want no more of it, there was a little voice, a tiny voice, a fragile whisper of a voice in the back of my mind that said get help. I did. I got home, found a therapist, and over time she helped me to slowly put myself back together again. It was difficult, and I know Im not free of it forever but for me life is going on. Others arent so lucky. People like Robin Williams, for whom the pressures simply got too much. My heart goes out to him, his family, and everyone else has lost a loved one to depression. And my heart goes out to all of you friends who collectively, perhaps unknowingly, gave support through my hard times and meant that there was a little voice in me that just pulled me through. I thank each and every one of you and am so grateful for all the times you were there. I know its not easy to watch someone spiral downwards, I know its not easy to listen to the same problems over and over, I know its not easy to always try your hardest to offer comfort when you get nothing in return. But every time youre there for someone with depression, you add another decibel to the little voice in their mind that might one day save their life. And for every friend who has ever needed someone, I hope you can take something from this. You dont have to do it alone. You dont have to face the darkness without someone there to help. Even when you are at your most wretched, there is someone who will listen. Family, a friend, a mental health professional - theres someone you can call when you need them. Dont beat yourself when you cant snap out of it, dont berate yourself if you cant just smile and make do. Accept that depression has killed people. Accept that it is a mighty struggle. Accept that sometimes its more than one person can take. So, please please please do call your someone if you need help. You are not alone in this. Thanks again everyone, much love, T
Posted on: Wed, 13 Aug 2014 22:38:37 +0000
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