Dearest Abigail (middle pug-let in photo). Oh, where to begin?! Mommy is having a rough time. BUT, I dont want to get you down or anything. Mommy will be fine. Its just ... well, you know this already. Mommy doesnt have much experience with this type of loss ... you and Father. I thought I was so brave the day I had to put you down (5 months ago today). I thought, I can do this. Im so brave. Well, let me tell you. You would have done the same thing w/o thought ... make sure someone you love more than anything in this world does not suffer. You had not suffered. But your last 36 hours ... a drastic change in your life quality for sure. There was no question in what I needed to do for you. I went through the actions, because it was the right thing to do. Never dreaming or thinking about what life would be like after that day. Then, I thought I was so brave 2 months ago, plus 10 days when Grandpa (my dear Father) passed away. I thought, Oh, how brave am I to be able to go through this with my family. And look, Im still okay and surviving. Well, what I know now is this ... it has nothing to do with how brave you are that day. It has nothing to do with the things we are left to do after youre no longer here with us. Theres so much more to it than that. I stand here, on this day Abigail ... 5 months after your passing and 2 months/10 days after Fathers passing. So many, many, many have done this before me and will do it after. Its what happens many, many weeks and months after the loss, that we really have to deal with the loss. My dearest Abigial and Father. Its harder for me today, than it was on the day of your passing. So, so much harder. The loss...its so NOW. The TIME, I thought would passing would make it easier. It does not. It might at some point...Im sure of it. But not this soon. Ive learned, this will be such a process. I had hoped to write you today Abigail about so many wonderful, happy things. But, Im so not able to. Not because Im not happy. I am. But when it comes to the loss of you and Father ... I have a ways to go in this process. Not trying to be a downer. Just trying to be honest. Sweet Abigail ... I notice you missing more now than ever. I long to snuggle with you. I long to talk to Father and give him a great big hug. I will not be able to do either today. And on this day, this realization will help me grow. Mechie is barking to eat ... so I suppose I should go feed her. To you both (Abby & Father). Please know the profound impact you both had on my life. I miss and love you both so dearly. Love, Mom (Daught).
Posted on: Tue, 16 Sep 2014 21:59:31 +0000
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