Do kids lie about their day at school? A Mom asks… My 6 year old (1st grade) has lied twice since school started about her behavior at school. Once, her name was written on the board for not following instructions. Then, she was sent back to the classroom for not paying attention and talking during her library period. Each time, at the end of the school day, she told me nothing about either incident. I found out from the teacher later. After the first lie, I was blown away that she could not tell me the truth after I asked her how school was. After the second time, Im at a loss. Im so angry she could do this again. I want to scream at her and take away privileges but how does that teach her NOT to lie? I explained after the first incident, in the simplest form I can for a 6 year old, that I was disappointed that she didnt tell me the truth and I need to know I can trust her again. Im not sure how much she understood that explanation but I went with it. Only to get hit today with a 2nd lie. Do you have any suggestions how I can help her/explain to her how she can rebuild trust so I can trust her? I think its too complex a concept for her. Because she cannot understand it/me I question her incentive to tell me the truth in the future? Thanks so much for your input. FYI - I believe in a positive parenting approach, but also want to teach her responsibility for her actions. MY RESPONSE: It is really courageous of you to reach out for help. We want so much for our kids to do well in school, and to confide in us both their success and their struggles. When they dont do well, particularly when they are singled out for bad behavior, it can be so triggering. It can feel like it reflects badly on us. We feel powerless and worried all at the same time. As you said, you were blown away by the news and the fact that your daughter did not tell you. I can tell you how to rebuild trust. However, I believe its not about your daughter regaining your trust. Its actually about you regaining hers. What I mean by that is: its up to us, as the parent to create a safe emotional space where those kinds of admissions can spill out. If we put ourselves in her shoes, we can guess that she felt shamed and humiliated by the teacher - no matter what her behavior. Shame does nasty things to the brain. It really prevents us from being able to think well. We feel disconnected and isolated. The way we can break through that isolation is to give our kids daily doses of deep connection - Special Time - during which we give them our undivided attention, follow their lead in the play and delight in them, while taking the less powerful role. Good rough physical play such as pillow fights and wrestling (yes, even for girls) can really help provide that safe emotional space. I highly recommend doing Special Time before and after school. Before, can really help set them up for a good day. Afterwards, it creates that connection which will allow them to offload the tensions of the day. Out may come all of the information about the small injustices of the day, and even why they had a tough time. Then you can get to the cause of the behavior that may be tripping them up in school. You can also bring all this into your play. Perhaps you play school and she gets to be the mean crabby teacher who puts your name on the board. Notice what makes her laugh - you being the worst student ever, for example. Follow that laughter! Be more ridiculous and bumbling. Helping her laugh will help her offload the tension that is causing her off-track behavior at school, and help bridge the disconnection you are experiencing after school. Laughter is a wonderful way to release tension and deepen connection. But, no tickling. Tickling is very overpowering, and we want to take the less powerful role when we play. They are already feeling pretty powerless from a whole day at school without you. Larry Cohen in his book, Playful Parenting, has lots of great ideas on how to use play to help kids work out whats not working in their lives. You may be surprised at what she reveals to you as you play. Here are some links to a few short, easy to read articles that will give you more Special Time and connection ideas. handinhandparenting.org/article/getting-through-school-struggles/ handinhandparenting.org/article/build-connection-with-your-child-through-play-playlistening/ And heres a great article on lying handinhandparenting.org/article/when-children-lie/ I hope some of that helps. You are a wise Mama to take a step back away from your own upset and reach out. Now, you can move in close with lots of play and connection to build the trust that will help your daughter think better at school and at home with you.
Posted on: Wed, 23 Oct 2013 11:03:07 +0000
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