Everyone has this mask on.. a invisible mask, everybody is afraid to be themselves cause they fear ridicule from others, they try so hard to fit a label that is fed to us through tv screens. But I was born with both a curse and a blessing I read past that mask I know what your thinking I read people like books the body language, postures, movement of lips, eye contact, breathing, certain words and giveaways. 97% of the time I Ill read your lie and know I am transparent like a ghost. All through school people walked right past me not knowing Im there watching, listening, observing, I was told once that knowledge is power. the best example was my best friend Corey he had a girlfriend named bree I saw her lies leave her lips with no remorse no guilt the sad part was he was so happy and believed her lies due to his love for her.. I lied to Corey that I couldnt read her lies cause I dont want to take his happiness away cause what right do I have to do that? Why was I given this power over them? Eventually I gave into my nature I observed her, her Fb, her friends and planned for all possibilities and soon I found not only was she cheating but she had 6 boyfriends at the same time and then I knew I had to take his happiness away and I think ultimately thats what drove me to get him with his current girlfriend so I could in some way atone for what I learned. They fought broke up and then there I was the voice in their heads slowly bringing them together while at the same time pushing them from me cause all around me I read people I cant trust anybody cause nobody is them trueselves. This leads to have me keep everyone I know a arms length away cause I know betrayal Ive seen things that men should not witness.. the pain, the agony, the fake smiles and false bravado. I create problems in my relationships cause Im selfish I let my pride blind me to a bigger picture soon my go to move when I know I can hurt others or they can hurt me is to self destruct that relationship. Why? Why do I have to do this? I know Im doing it but cannot prevent it, I guess its human nature something that which is beyond me. I think back through my life.. one time I was so convinced my girlfriend at the time (highschool) didnt love me enough that I convinced her that she didnt love me but the idea of me and at that moment she realized she didnt love me at all then broke up with me. I am my own greatest experiment and my own widest enemy. Cause I am a scarecrow always in the background someone if you didnt know you would pass by with out a second glance.. but Im there always watching.. always listening.. But I digress recently I have been trying to do good. Im trying to help others more. Why do you ask? Why try so hard? Lifes so much easier if your mean. My answer to you is because the saddest people always try the hardest to make others happy because they know what they know what its like to absolutely worthless and I dont want anybody else to feel that cause for the last 11 years of my life Ive been called worthless, trash, a burden.. by strangers, teachers, my family, my own parents and at some point I started to believe it and its like being swallowed in darkness and when I was in that darkness I gave my soul to my anger my rage and let it consume me and even now after years of self control I feel it crawling under my skin that hatred for those who look down upon me ready to consume me once again. And Im terrified that it will turn me into those who I detest that I will become like them. Its said that its not you who can change the system but the system that eventually changes you On Xbox some asked me why I always identified my self as a Panda and what I told him is that pandas are loved by everyone.. there are people who care for pandas, people that WANT to protect them. And that what Ive always wanted to just drop my walls drop my shield to be embraced and told thats its going to be ok, to have a friend that knows when Im upset and asks me what wrong. Someone I can be honest with and who can be honest with me but that is just a fleeting dream due to my generation being detached emotionally leading lives were not ment to live. We have taken our souls and placed them inside machines and because of this I have often thought about killing myself but I cannot cause my time as not come yet. Ive seen it for months now every night in my dreams I see my own death and all I can do is wait till the Reaper comes to take me so with the remaining time here I want to feel like I have accomplished something of worth. Hike everyone else has successful jobs, goes to college, has a great life. I havent done 1-3rd of that. . I know I wont be granted entry to heaven or reincarnated I will travel down to hell with the other low lifes but if I go knowing I made even just 1 difference in my life I will not have any regrets... - Rantings of a Madman
Posted on: Sat, 01 Feb 2014 09:32:30 +0000
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