Fan Share: I am sorry this is so long but I am really appreciative to be able to talk about it. I have an amazing 1 1/2 year old little boy that I love so much. Before he filled my life with so much joy, there was another one. My husband and I had been ttc for about a year. My husband works a job out of town with three weeks on and one week off. Several times before and right before he left, we tried again. A week later, I got my period. I wasnt pregnant. He came home and we went out with some friends and threw back several beers. It was a great night until I went to the bathroom and realized I was bleeding. The next morning, I was really bleeding. It was not time for my period so I called the doctor, just to be on the safe side. They asked if I had taken a pregnancy test. To be sure they were understanding, I told them again that I was bleeding (How could I be pregnant?). They told me again to take a pregnancy test, so I did. There was a faint pink line. They got me in to see the doctor that afternoon. Blood work showed I was definitely pregnant but the levels were low. It wasnt treated like a pregnancy from the beginning. The doctor said it was most likely a non viable pregnancy or a body induced miscarriage. The nurse said not to worry as it was just a chemical pregnancy so nothing was really lost. I went home confused. I found I was pregnant and probably not pregnant the same day. I was to return in 48 hours for more blood work to see if the pregnancy hormone had increased or decreased. There was a slight chance that the pregnancy was just so new that the levels were low. I did and they went down. I had a miscarriage. I went home feeling sad and a void. The doctors really dont know how far along I was but they estimated 3 to 6 weeks. I bled and cramped bad for quite awhile. I found myself wondering if any of the clots held my baby. I couldnt help but thinking there was a spark of life but now it is gone. I have been told the drinking was not the cause, by the doctor, but I felt horrible guilt over that. My husband left again and I was just sad and alone but didnt really know if I had a right to be sad. It was just a chemical pregnancy. We didnt tell many people. I did phone one friend but you could tell she didnt really get my feelings. She said it is just Gods way of cleaning out the system and making way for the baby I will have. I didnt disagree with this then or now but it didnt really help. Life just went on. I did as I was supposed to and let it go. In fact, I cant even tell you exactly what month it happened. I just know it was in the Spring of 2011. We got pregnant with our son in Sept. 2011. The miscarriage really changed things for me. We didnt tell anyone but moms and dads for quite awhile. What if it was just another chemical pregnancy. I took like 10 pregnancy tests the first month after I found out. Wanted to be sure I was still pregnant. I was a high risk pregnancy and got monthly sonograms. I went in to each one scared to death they were going to tell me my baby was gone. Once he started moving, I had a mini heart attack every time I hadnt felt him in a few hours. I was a nervous wreck that I was going to lose him. I am so glad he is here with us but I do not ever want to go through that again, plus my labor was the worst. He will be an only child. I tell all of this because I wonder if anyone else has experienced this when they had a miscarriage early in their pregnancy? I was suppose to move on. It was not a real pregnancy. Honestly, I dont even know if my son qualifies as a Rainbow Baby, as I never really had a fetus....just a bunch of chemicals. Rp *Samantha*
Posted on: Tue, 12 Nov 2013 20:17:51 +0000
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