For anyone who has consulted said thing: Haynes Manual Translated... Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: You will skin your knuckles! Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: Thatll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox. Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size). Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: Ping... what the hell was that? Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part. Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered lightly. Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isnt broken dont fix it! Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isnt broken... its about to be! Haynes: One spanner rating. Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to bugger it up? Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teeny,weeny number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Haynes: Three spanner rating. Translation: Make sure you wont need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start. Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You are seriously considering this arent you? Haynes: Five spanner rating. Translation: OK - But dont ever carry your loved ones in it again and dont mention it to your insurance company!! Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage. Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife Yep, as I thought, its going to need a new one! Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to cut yourself! Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, thats it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: But you swear in different places. Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Haynes: Using a suitable drift... Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isnt a suitable drift! Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation:RAC Card & Mobile Phone Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isnt moderate heat. *found elsewhere*
Posted on: Mon, 12 Jan 2015 07:58:37 +0000
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