Four weeks ago tonight, I was frantically putting the final touches on packing for our Texas trip. The much anticipated and looked forward to Texas trip. Cody was out loading the roof top carrier on the van. I was making sure everything was packed for five children to leave for two weeks. Eighteen hours after we pulled into my parents driveway, Garrett drowned. Tonight I started packing for a trip thats been planned for six months. We are headed out to the Oregon coast with Codys family tomorrow, and although we heavily debated going or not, we decided that the kids need it. They need to feel happiness running along the beach with their cousins. But tonight is full of triggers for me. Triggers are around every corner in this house and universe as it is, and I am swirling in feelings of dejavu as I look at my check list of what needs to be packed. The shell of me that remained after Garrett died doesnt want to go. The shell of me wants to bury myself in the ground next to my baby and stay there. But I have to muster the strength and courage to go pack for only four children. I have to get in that van tomorrow and drive through interstates while a voice inside of me screams NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Garrett is supposed to be here. The unfairness of our situation is suffocating.
Posted on: Thu, 07 Aug 2014 02:41:11 +0000