Grief...I learn something more about it all the time. It has been 2 years and 7 months today since my son ended his life. For me, it doesnt necessarily get easier, but I learn more about managing the waves of emotion that seem to fill the very depths of my soul. This week I have come to know another facet of my grief, the grief which I have come to know as a part of my new life that will always remain, regardless of days, weeks, months, or years that pass. I am the Account Manager for Ogle County Educational Cooperative. In the summer months, my office hours drop to six per day, but my work increases, nearly double. This is stressful. As I end one fiscal year and set up to begin the next, file numerous required reports for our auditors and the state, and do additional payrolls to include our Summer School staff, I am non-stop at the office. I have seen a huge change in my grief in the past few days. I think I know why. My grief takes much more of my time than I really acknowledge. You know the saying, “Let go and let God”? I try to live by that. I know that my faith can get me through anything, because it has gotten me this far and through the worst days of my life. I see that I also need to “let go and let grief”. When I get too busy for the time that I need every single day to grieve the death of a young man that, along with his sisters and father, was my world, I suffer. I am near tears today. I cannot hold it in. It is currently 4 a.m. I could not sleep. I am stressed. I realized a long time ago that the grief would never end, but I didn’t realize how big of an elephant it would be on my back. It is hard to carry. If I don’t stay busy enough, it becomes overwhelming. If I get too busy, it becomes overwhelming. For the next few weeks, I am going to search for my “happy medium”. I used to believe that I could control it. The reality is that grief is a monster that sometimes rages out of control within me. Other times, I find it, as others have described, like an old friend that I can have a cup of coffee or glass of wine with and reminisce. I would much rather be able to treat it like the old friend. I wonder if the ugly monster part of my grief will ever leave me for good. I miss my son. That will never change. I love him, so incredibly much, that I just can’t deal with his death some days. I have accepted it, because I have to, but there are days that I feel like I am right back in December 2011 and want to know why…how did it get to this? I guess feeling like I know my grief was a mistake. Perhaps it will be changing my entire lifetime. I know it will never be easy, but I wish it could be better managed on these days when all I want to do is crawl back in bed. Thankfully, these days are few and far between. Managing my time and allowing time to grieve each day is the way my life needs to be. That is hard to explain to others. I have heard that I need to “move on” or “get over it” many times. The truth of the matter is that I am moving every single day more into the life without my son as a physical, living being, but I will never “move on” without him because he is in my heart. It is much harder to leave him behind than I could ever express. I will never “get over it”, but by the grace of God, I will get through this life, only by doing my best to honor and love Trevor every single day, just like I do my beautiful daughters. Peace, Dana
Posted on: Wed, 09 Jul 2014 11:57:25 +0000