Hello. Im an incoming freshie. My story is, from what Ive experienced, unusual. Maaring malungkot, matawa, o mandiri. Personally, when I look back and reminisce about it, I get all those feelings. Ive been diagnosed as depressed since Grade 1. Di ako kagandahan, kutis uling pang-asar sakin. Nalaman ko pa na nambababae yung aking tatay. Pero, tinago ko kay mama yun, kasi sabi ni papa yun daw ginagawa ng tunay na lalaki. Kaya yun, palagi nalang ako umiiyak na parang dahilan. Pina-therapy. Eventually, natapos ko rin. Not because I was healed, but I was able to act normal and hide my emotions. Di rin nagtagal, lumala pa yung sitwasyon. Palaging nagaaway si mama at papa di dahil sa pambababae (hanggang ngayon ay di ko parin sinasabi), kundi dahil sa pera, lote, atbp. Sa puntong yun, sinasaktan na ko ng papa ko. Pinapalo ng sinturon, sinasampal, kung ano ano pa na kailangan kong bigyan ng rason sa mama ko tulad ng Ma, nadapa ako., Ma, nahulog ako sa hagdan. Some people think that when you reach a lower point in depression, crying turns into MORE crying. That, I know, is false. When you reach rock bottom, you see through mud-colored glasses. You arent sad, you are sadness itself. And, that is when I planned my own suicide. I wanted to pass UPCAT so I can die happily. So when I found out I did, I was like a regular UPCAT passer, crying and jumping and screaming. Although, it wasnt because I could go to my dream school, it was purely for the achievement. Finally, Ive done something right in my life. December 26 yung plano ko sana. I was going to hang myself. I had the rope, the place to hang it from, and the stool to stand on and kick. And just as I was standing there, I felt my stomach ache. I knew that corpses muscles contract upon death, and I didnt want to die dirty. So then, I did my business for the supposed last time. And while I was taking care of it, something weird happened. I felt my sadness of 15 years go out of me. In Tagalog, tinae ko sila. Everytime umire ako, feeling ko nalliberate ako sa mga pinaggagawa nila sakin. Tinae ko si papa, tinae ko yung mga bullies, tinae ko yung lecheng depression kong di nagpakawala sakin. Tangina nyo lahat. After washing, as I stood up, I felt I dont want to live being turned into I dont want to live this way. Im so done with the uncertainties and Im so done of not having pride and Im so done with letting people hurt me. Flush. laura 2014, Engineering
Posted on: Thu, 03 Jul 2014 12:00:00 +0000
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