Hi! Is your partner abusing you? It’s often surprisingly hard to be sure, especially where there’s no actual violence. Because abusers can also be perfectly charming when they want. So you feel completely confused. And somehow powerless, and unable to leave. Everyone thinks it’s always a man abusing a woman. But there are plenty of abusive women – they’re just rarely reported. Potential abusers often say they love you on your first date. Or propose in weeks. That may sound romantic, but if everything’s too fast it usually turns nasty sooner or later. They often try to cut you off from family and friends. Often so slowly that you don’t notice it happening. Saying things like ‘I want us to spend more time together,’ while making cutting remarks about everyone you know. Or constantly embarrassing you in front of them. They want to know where you are all the time. Calling constantly, ‘stopping by,’ reading your emails, checking your phone, going through your stuff. They may try to take control of your finances, or insist you quit or change your job. They often throw temper tantrums, yelling, insulting, hitting, pushing, pinching or squeezing you, usually where marks will be covered up by your clothes. These are serious warning signs that you shouldn’t ignore. Everything’s always your fault. Your words get twisted so you somehow always end up the bad guy. Do you sometimes feel scared? Is your gut saying something’s wrong? You’re always on edge? Don’t like going out anymore because you know exactly how the night will end? Find yourself making excuses to other people for your partner’s behaviour? Trying not to do anything that would make them angry? Always doing what they want instead of what you’d like? After an incident, there’ll be tears, apologies and gifts. Promises to do better or to seek help. But they rarely do. They also make you feel like there’s no way out of the relationship. Try to keep you from leaving after a fight, or abandon you somewhere. Maybe even threaten suicide. Things are unlikely to get better. Your confidence fades. And others in the family – especially your children – gradually get involved. So talk to a counsellor or someone you trust. Try to get your partner to do the same. But if you’ve tried and they refuse to change, then the only thing you can do is get out. The best approach is to secretly start the process of leaving. Quietly organise your finances, find a better job, look for somewhere to live, make new friends, see a lawyer, remove your valuables one at a time... Don’t imagine you can change an abuser. Nothing you can do will make any difference at all. Because abusers rarely accept responsibility for their actions, and are often addicted to their controlling behaviour. They NEED someone to abuse and only professional help will change that. So don’t blame yourself. Just don’t allow the abuse to continue. Go. Now.
Posted on: Thu, 02 Oct 2014 07:03:48 +0000
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