I am engaged in an online discussion with Sue, on the topic of consent, specifically as relates to our mutual social circles and events that we both participate in. She says You should never touch someone without asking permission first. If its awkward or impossible to ask, assume the answer is no.. I characterize this stance as the hyper-consent mindset. I later observe Sue at a party engaging in a PG-13 level of intimacy while surrounded by other people doing the same. While her attention is occupied by someone, I observe someone else (lets call them Joe) embrace her, or repeatedly stroke her hair, or give her a foot massage. Later conversation with Sue reveals that Joe was, at that point, a relative stranger, who did not have permission to touch her. She does not state this with any negative emotion, and speaks positively of the experience. She later engages in further intimate contact with Joe, to their mutual enjoyment. Sue is not a specific person. She represents many people, mostly women, most of whom are active in the Boston burner/spinner community. Her actions, and those of Joe, are not hypothetical. I have engaged in this conversation and observed this behavior by dozens of people. Theres a non-trivial chance that Sue is you, although a significant fraction of the Sues that I know have stopped reading my FB or conversing with me because they do not enjoy being forced to consider their behavior. This behavior is why I call you hypocritical, why I question your judgment and self-awareness on the topic of consent, and why I cannot bring myself to commit to following the rules you are trying to claim are valid while not being willing to live with those rules consequences. To anyone who holds hyper-consent beliefs and is NOT hypocritical: Sue is damaging your efforts more than you might realize. It is very difficult to take these ideas seriously when counter-examples are so prevalent and motivational. I am not saying that this ideal is devalued by her hypocrisy. I am saying that this ideal is contraindicated by the behavior of *most* people, and that those people include even those who you would call ally.
Posted on: Thu, 06 Mar 2014 21:38:14 +0000
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