I cant believe tomorrow will make ten years since the accident. People have often asked why this day is so significant to me. . . and to be frank, its a sad day, despite my fierce and deliberate efforts to be overcome with joy and thankfulness for my life. I dont remember leaving my house the first time that morning, nor do I remember turning around a mile down the road, coming back and leaving my house the second time. I dont remember the force of the impact. I never followed an ambulance to Raleigh General Hospital and then on to Charleston Area Medical Center that morning praying to God that my loved one inside was still going to be alive when we arrived. I never counted down the first three nights because thats when the doctors said would be the most critical. I never slept on an ICU waiting room chair. I never washed my hair, brushed my teeth, shaved my legs or painted my fingernails (even if it was a TERRIBLE purple color, Laura Rollyson-Howell.) ;) I never sat patiently by my bedside peeling apart my fingers and toes as I struggled to come out of a coma so that I would still be able to use them when I woke up. I dont remember my first steps, communicating via wink or my first words after the trach came out. I dont remember any of the scary parts and it is my personal opinion that that aspect is yet another very precious gift from God in a series of precious Gifts that God has given me. The only things that I can remember in the months following April 1, 2004 are the hard parts. I can remember struggling within myself to just be happy every day to have the privilege of waking up when I was so angry at everything. I can remember the months of occupational therapy and those RIDICULOUSLY SMALL pegs I had to put in RIDICULOUSLY SMALLER holes (pretty sure my man hands would not have managed that pre brain injury). I remember the first time I struggled to run and keep my balance outside the underwater treadmill (which I can imagine was shockingly similar to my gracefulness pre brain injury as well). I can remember the first time I shot a basketball and not having the strength or balance to get the ball to the basket from the block. HUGE shout out to Heather Allen and Bob Hoss for NEVER giving up on me. I can remember being at the mercy of therapists and neurologists begging them to let me go back to school. I can remember the incredibly painful conversation with Coach Ryan on the back steps of Park Junior High School when he told me my neurologist wasnt going to release me to play basketball my senior year. I can remember the pain of watching my teammates from the sidelines for months. I can remember my last surgery and having my mouth wired shut for eight weeks afterwards. No, I dont remember the scary parts- and I never want to- but I do remember the hard parts and that is what makes tomorrow so incredibly difficult for me to get through. Its not that Im not thrilled to be alive and so thankful for the amazing life that I lead, its just that this day also brings back a lot of difficult memories as well- - - so please dont confuse my tears for sadness; theyre not. I guess they can best be described as tears of confusion. :) While tomorrow is an incredibly difficult day, its still a wonderful reminder of the beautiful life that God has given back to me.
Posted on: Tue, 01 Apr 2014 01:09:34 +0000
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