I had a totally other note typed out but I thought it may hurt to many people and this is not my intention, so I decided to start with where I am at and its feeling what I wish I didnt have to. My first day is titled My constant feeling My spirit is so close to the surface that its almost poetic. As I sit thinking my chest caving in on itself, breaths are harder to take, my heart literally pounding out of my chest all other sounds disappear and the thumping gets louder and louder. I start to get tunnel vision I squeeze my eyes because I know that if I could only cry a little I might be okay, but nothing comes. I start to shake violently like I am having a seizure. And then whoosh all is calm I feel at peace with myself and whatever decision I think I am going to make. I jump up and shake my head and snap out of it and ask what am I doing? All this happens in about a minute I assume as I have never timed because its not something I can predict. It is something that happens when I get the opportunity to spend time in my head. (Hence my love for video games, keeps me outta my head). Its been a couple days now and sleep eludes me, and I think I am about ready to sleep and all of a sudden Thump, THump, THUmp, THUMp, THUMP. It starts all over again. I have never really took people seriously when they talk about a broken heart, well honestly I hope that a broken heart is just that feeling like your heart is constricting in a weird way and it feels as if it is being torn in two. Because if it is not what is referred to is a broken heart than I should probably stop typing and dial emerge cause I am probably having a heart attack. Its 543 am and I have to be up by no later than 9. I wonder how come I do not need sleep when I feel like this but when I am okay I need lots of it. I wish I could rant and rave about how shitty my life is right now but funny enough I think about those suffering Im other parts of the world and I can no longer complain. Eyes are finally getting heavy but when I close them are squirrels gonna let me crash. Ohhhh how I love PTSD just works wonders on the body. well thats it for now we will talk to yall tomorrow. For those of you that have touched my heart in the past I want you all to know I appreciate you being my friend.
Posted on: Wed, 12 Mar 2014 09:51:10 +0000