I have been wanting to post here for quite some time and was never really sure what to say or the right way to say it. So, I thought that I would take you back with me exactly one year and 15 hours ago. I hope that you dont mind. I woke around 5:30 I laid my hand on our little Xavier and something didnt feel right- How can I explain this I cant even begin to tell you. But- One thing did happen panic and fear set in almost instantly. I remember yelling to Alyson that he wasnt breathing the baby wasnt breathing. I ran him to the table in the dinning room and tried CPR but- nothing was working- he didnt start crying or coughing there was nothing- I am not sure when but, I heard Allie on the phone telling the paramedics that her baby wasnt breathing. For what seemed an eternity the world was stopping-- second by second I felt more helpless than I had ever before in my entire life- once the Paramedics arrived I met them outside-- and then I had to hand my little boy of to total strangers who just yelled out the window where they were taking him. Back inside this horrible nightmare that I couldnt wake from was taking a firm hold and the grip was relentless-- I remember while getting dresses in the bathroom that I wanted to wake so badly. I put my fist through the wall in hopes that that pain might just jar me awake enough that this would all be over. I mean this was just supposed to be another ordinary day- a day of changing diapers- feedings and naps. But, no we were on our way to a f***ing hospital. The drive there was mostly done in silence- I just kept thinking that he would be ok and that we could all just go home. But, the closer we got that voice in my head began to shout louder and louder-- They are going to think that I(we) hurt our little boy. How would I explain this to everyone. Once inside this terrible nightmare only began to spiral even more nothing seemed real but, at the same time all to real. I remember looking into the room where his poor little body was being poked- prodded and other sights that I still cant seem to speak of but those images are seared into my minds eye and I cant escape them. I remember the nurses were very concerned about Allie and wanted her to lay down. Then there seemed a glimmer of hope when the Neonatal ICU Trauma team from the University of Kentucky arrived--but, that glimmer was quickly gone- Just a few short moments later- we were told of the reality of what was happening- It was at that moment my heart died. Our little Xavier who came to this world a bit early and fought like a champ to live-- was no longer. It was at this point where I have not a single word to describe that feeling---- The told us that one he was clean up they would bring our baby to us. A few short moments later there wrapped in a green hand knitted blanket from Project Linus. I could have held him for hours- I wanted time to STOP!!! I just wanted to hold my little boy and never let go. But, soon it was time- I swear that laying him down on that hospital be was the hardest f***ing thing that I have ever had to do-- because I knew that this was goodbye. Alyson and her mother were there and I just remember going outside dialing my dads # and when he answered I just yelled Hes dead dad-- Hes dead Xavier is dead. The ride home was even more unbearable-- going home to somehow explain something that we had no answers for to our other children waiting at home. But, through tears we did. Since that horrible day that shattered our life we began to find what it means to live a new normal. Yea- sometimes day to day life can be pretty normal- and others well..... I just want to come out the other side-- Stronger, more loving and a better dad- I know that I mess up- but I am a work in progress. Some of my scars run pretty deep but, they are healing- On August 2nd 2013 Xavier McKinley Trent slipped the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of god. Good night little boy- daddy loves you. Also to those that messaged me today thank you- John Trent
Posted on: Sun, 03 Aug 2014 01:47:29 +0000
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