I knew as soon as i opened my eyes, that today was gonna be different somehow... I just kinda felt it inside of me. Didnt know why, i just did... And then, i reached for the bottle of scotch that i always kept underneath the bed. Not surprisingly, it was empty. The previous night, i was so engulfed in misery, self pity and guilt. So angry and ashamed of the person Ive allowed myself to become. I have pretty much forced all of the people who loved and cared about me, out of my life. They now loved me from a distance. This had been going on for almost a year now and i found myself almost becoming comfortable in my crazy chaotic reality. I still had a roof over my head, not the mansion i was living in before and it wasnt mine, but it was enough. I still had access to money which helped to support my expensive cocaine habit and the abuse of my beloved rare scotch whiskey ! So thinking back on it all now as i write this, i was becoming comfortable in my madness. Believe me, thats an ugly place to be... And then, as if right on cue, the phone rings. Now i normally dont answer the phone, because its probably someone checking in on me, making sure that i havent killed myself yet. No really, it had become THAT bad for me ! I was in such a dark, self destructive and negative space. But just then, it occurred to me that it could be my dealer calling... my cocaine drug dealer and i didnt wanna miss her call. So without checking the caller id, i pressed the send button on my cell phone. Hi Andre, i heard my moms voice at the other end of the line, in her bright and chirpy tone. Hi mom ! Damn it, i shouldnt have answered the stupid freakin phone, i thought to myself. Not because i didnt necessarily wanna talk to her, but because i was ashamed of having to lie to her again. See, i didnt want anyone to know that i had sunken so low. I was still trying to keep up appearances, to fool people into believing that all was good and that i was getting my life back on track. She asked the usual questions and i told the usual lies in response, not knowing that she was aware that i wasnt being honest. A mom just knows ! But she also knew not to push too much, cause it wasnt hard at all for me to cut people completely off and out of my life if they asked too many questions and showed too much concern... Imagine that ! You often hurt the people in your life that care for and love you the most. Anyways, after talking for a while, she said what she always did when she was getting ready to say goodbye... Im praying for you, my boy... God, i just absolutely hated it when she told me that, but i said ok mom... and just when i wanted to say goodbye, she said Before i say goodbye Annna, I wanted to ask you something... Yes mom ?Andre, she said... Do you remember when you were at CFC, when you were the youth pastor there ? Remember how those young people loved you ? How they looked up to you. Remember how many of them you helped lead to The Lord ? Remember the one boy who almost killed himself until you... / click and just like that... I hung the phone up on her ! And then, i started crying uncontrollably like a little baby for like an hour or more... Thats all it took. Not planned interventions from friends or anything like that. Just a simple question... A question from a mother, whos love is unconditional . A question, i believe that helped save my life ! I got out of bed and looked in the mirror and there, starring back at me was a man i did not recognize. I looked like hell. I had let myself go. I was thin, my beard was the longest it had ever been and my eyes had sunken deep into my eye sockets. I honestly didnt know him anymore. What would my friends do if they saw me like this..? Worse even, what would they think if they knew my very thoughts ? How in the world could i have let myself go this far ? I had grown to hate myself. I was depressed, unhappy, all alone by choice. i was mad at the World. I would go for weeks without shaving or eating properly ! I didnt know it at the time, but when you lose respect for yourself and you dont love yourself anymore, you subconsciously do things that will hurt you. Like drink a whole bottle of whiskey when you know its bad for your health... At that point i didnt really leave my room much. I stayed in bed mostly, feeling sorry for myself. I stayed home mostly because i didnt wanna face the world. Didnt wanna run into someone i knew. Didnt wanna answer questions that would bring back the past and my current circumstances. I blamed everyone for anything and everything. Even my best friends had backed off after i had treated them like dog shit, while i was probably in one of my drunken stages. Still they loved me and called to check up on me. They had begun to love me from a distance. But many of them still hadnt given up hope. Many were still praying for me, cause they knew who the real Andre was. They knew the love i had inside of me, the person they had so come to love, admire and respect. But, you can only abuse people who care and love you, for so long. Eventually they will walk away and out of your life, if you give them enough reason to. I knew that i needed to make a bold decision. I didnt overcome all the trials up to now, for nothing ? I always wanted a better life for myself and those i loved. Why in the world have i allowed myself to sabotage my own happiness ? I knew i deserved better. That i was destined for great things. It was time to face reality, time to sober up, time to accept my flaws and shortcomings. I needed to come clean with myself. Be honest with myself. I couldnt remain stagnant any longer. I needed to start taking responsibility for my actions and the bad choices i had made. I needed to forgive myself. I needed to start loving myself again and respect my body. I needed to stop thinking of myself as the victim and i needed to understand again, the power i had within me, so i could begin to turn my life around... I decided right then and right there, that i wouldnt let one more day go by, Wasted. I realized that i needed to, get out of my own way ! ...an excerpt from Kaapse Klonkie, (A Coloured Boys Story).
Posted on: Thu, 31 Oct 2013 07:57:06 +0000
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