I was just browsing through all the weird things I didnt know were linked to my Google account, and came across a forgotten blog Id created about a year and a month ago. It only had one post, and upon reading it, I got rather misty eyed. Im sure the lot of you didnt know that Ive dealt with anxiety disorder and debilitating depression throughout my life, but most disorderly and debilitatingly during 2012-13. The relationship I was in wasnt helping, and the place I put myself in life wasnt helping, either. This post was right before my very first therapy session, and it goes as follows: Saturday, April 13, 2013 How I Spend My Days Off I read that people that have depression/anxiety can benefit from and/or are really good at writing/getting their feelings out on paper/theoretical electronic paper. So here I am! On my day off. Pretending Im bedridden with a mysterious ailment and watching TV shows so that I dont have to see anyone besides Zooey Deschanel and my cat (who I think is playing hard to get). And I almost started crying today because I reached the bottom of the Pringles can and there was nothing there anymore and I had this revelation comparing my life to an empty can of Pringles. The stupidest part is that that wouldve been my third time in tears today. And the other two times I cried werent cause I was watching Les Mis. They were equally dumb. Or more dumb. The first time it was cause my charger fell out of my laptop and I had to sit up and get it off the ground. That would probably be more sad if my bed wasnt literally a foot and a half tall. The other time, I dont even remember. I was probably just cold or something. I used to be so freaking happy. Like, people would compliment me on my happiness. Like literally one time in Subway a guy that looked like the pope wrote me a letter on a few napkins complimenting me on being so happy. What happened? Really, nothing happened. Its not like Im some morbidly obese soon-to-be hobo living in the ghetto of Detroit with acne and a dead family (nothing against morbidly obese soon-to-be hobos living in the ghetto of Detroit with acne and a dead family). My life has the potential to be awesome and Im completely and totally aware of that, but its like I refuse to accept it. I heard on a movie I pirated on my previous day off that we only accept the love we think we deserve. Maybe we only accept the awesome we think we deserve, too. Anyway, Im finally going to get some help this Tuesday. I scored free psychotherapy because my step mom works at a hospital. Im pretty proud of myself for setting it up after putting it off for a good two years. Ive always been too stubborn and proud to get any professional help. I just wanted to be happy on my own again, and not be dependent on a drug or a stranger with listening skills. But after I scheduled it, I felt unexpectedly relieved and excited. I mean, even if it doesnt help, it cant hurt. And its not like Im emptying my pockets, so duh, thats a bonus. The thing that finally pushed me to do it was that Im broke, and in order to be eligible for financial aid to go back to school (which Im registered for this summer), I need to successfully appeal to my college suspension for withdrawing from all of my classes last year because I couldnt get out of bed (Im not dumb! I had a 3.8 in high school! Just thought Id clarify). In order to do that, Im going to need an official diagnosis that Im crazy. So... I guess thanks for suspending me, college. Ill bet you never wouldve guessed doing that could change my life for the better. :) And part of me cant wait to get help because I want to make jokes and get out of bed and sing again. But most of me is terrified because what if theyre like, Nope! Youre fine! Your mentality is completely and 100% normal! Like, what if I was just cursed by some voodoo so that Id mature way, way too fast and am now doomed to be a cynical geyser for the rest of my life? I cant believe how far Ive come. I seriously dont remember the last time I cried, and I know it wasnt because I reached the bottom of a Pringles can and compared that empty can to my life. My life is certainly an overflowing can of Pringles right now and Im so blessed to be surrounded by family, friends, and a man that supports me and loves me so unconditionally. I know depression and anxiety are lifelong battles, but right now, those monsters just seem so small. Its a battle anyone can win with the support and help that those who love you are so desperately willing to provide if only youd let them. On that note, Im so proud to announce that this past spring, I received my associates degree from Dixie, and am registered for classes at UVU this fall in order to pursue a masters in biology and, you know, like, save the world. TAKE THAT, DEPRESSION! I know seeing something like this in my dark days wouldve given me hope. And giving one person hope would make every bit of it worth it. Please dont give up.
Posted on: Sun, 01 Jun 2014 21:48:32 +0000
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