I wish more parents and teachers understood that there IS such a thing as a healthy fear. The reason my students always behaved for me, even though I worked in rough neighborhoods, is every single one of them was a little afraid that THEY might be the one child who would make me decide my teaching credential and my freedom werent as important as I thought. They didnt want to be the kid who made front page news with me. I rarely spanked my children. But when I did? I did so with over the top anger and aggression. (Well okay I was acting, So it left one helluva impression.) Spanking, as all the studies indicate, doesnt work as a regular discipline technique. Children need to understand THEY are in control. They need to learn the consequences of their actions both good and bad. They need to know cause and effect, and the only way for that to happen, is for parents to allow them to make choices and then allow them the consequences of their choices. If you use spanking as part of your regular parenting technique, your children never learn SELF regulation, because YOU are the one always regulating them. Not only that but spanking loses its power. The kids become used to it and de-sensitized to it. But healthy fear? My children learned early that blatant disrespect, the injuring of people or animals, willful destruction of property... the consequence would be swift and severe, and yes... frightening. This is what caused one of my children to walk miles home from a party where things had gone south. The child was frankly, more afraid of me and what would happen if I found out, than of what her friends thought. Its protective, because children and especially teens, are impulse and acceptance driven. Parents need something in their tool box which will drive those children to make healthier choices. Does it always work? Probably not. There are children with psych issues and hard wiring that make almost nothing work. But as a general rule, Much Love, Allowing our children consequences, Not making excuses or helicopter parenting for them (even when we think the consequence is unfair. Guess what? LIFE is unfair!) And a Healthy Fear? They help protect your kid from themselves and others. I have seven kids. They arent perfect, but they are pretty damn awesome. Even with a glut of chaos caused by poverty, being a teen mom, and outside family problems. Some of it is luck. As parents we get what we get. You cant turn a cherry tree into an apple tree. But you CAN make it the best most fruitful cherry tree around. That requires a lot of balance. Feeding AND Pruning is all you have control over. The weather and the genetics? Well, thats up to whatever Gods you believe in.
Posted on: Wed, 01 Oct 2014 15:42:57 +0000
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