Jeff Haydens Thanksgiving letter; 2013 I am thankful that I am super-popular…even if it is only during that short time when I am trying to eat lunch at my desk. I am thankful for the education I received from my grandmother. Even if she was only educating me in the natural disasters and violent crimes that took place in the locations which we were about to travel to on vacation. I am thankful that, unlike my dad, I have 2 working eyes, 10 working fingers and a keen awareness of how much space exists between my hand and the table saw blade. I am thankful that I’m not fooled by that other driver who approaches the 4-way stop just slightly after me but stops well short of the line so that he is technically the 1st one to stop. You’re not tricking me into giving up my right-of-way, Bucko. I’m smarter than you look. I am thankful for soothing earth tones. Like the tans and browns that make up the food on my plate. I am thankful for gutters. Those extra few inches between the curb and the street have saved me numerous times from being a scared passenger riding on a sidewalk. I am thankful that, unlike my dad, I have 2 working eyes, 10 working fingers and the ability to know the difference between a camper for securing his kids in the back of the truck and a refrigerator box for securing his kids in the back of the truck. I am thankful that my dad splurged for the refrigerator box instead of going with the old reliable washing machine box. I am thankful that my boss no longer smells like…wait, that doesn’t read well. Let’s try it this way: I am thankful that I no longer have that boss who smelled like booze and cigarettes. Combine that with his tendency to be a close-talker and you’re looking at an unpleasant experience while he puts his arm around you and tells you about the large display of apple juice he wants you to building at the end of aisle 9. I am thankful that I don’t still work in a grocery store. Nothing worse than responding to a call for a mop clean-up then discovering some punk kid threw up all over the check-out counter. I am thankful that, even through tough times, Sears still survives so if I need to go buy me a nice pair of pants I can still joke that I am going to Sears and then go to a good store. I am thankful that, despite all my fears, my daughter has not yet driven the car through the garage and into our newly remodeled master bathroom. The last time I had a car in my bathtub I was 8 and the car was green Matchbox pick-up with a camper. A real camper- not a refrigerator box pretending to be a camper. I am thankful that I don’t wear a cowboy hat and talk with an over-the-top southern accent like Hollywood thinks I do. I am thankful that, after a year of relocating the light switches in our bathroom, I have finally stopped swiping my hand across the blank wall where they used to be. I am thankful that, unlike my dad, I have 2 working eyes, 10 working fingers and the ability to know which files should not be deleted from my computer. I am thankful that I have never given the middle finger salute to another driver…well, except for that one time in the 80’s when I was on my way to a Bible study. I am thankful that we finally finished that last box of Chex cereal left over from the 80’s when we flew across the country on tickets paid for with box tops. Too bad we weren’t flying to the Chex Republic. Ba-dum-bum. I am thankful my grandmother didn’t find my secret stash of Hot Wheels when tire tracks left behind by her walker revealed she had been snooping around the house while we were gone. I am thankful my dad survived the scandal after my grandmother spread vicious rumors stating that her son didn’t like her in his house because her walker left tire tracks on the carpet. I am thankful that I don’t still work in a Laundromat. Nothing worse than coughing up a lint ball. I am thankful for irony, like doctors snaking their tiny instruments up through my dad’s body in order to repair a pin tip-sized spec of damage on his heart while at the same time I am wandering through the twisted corridors of the hospital looking for the 500 square foot waiting room. At least I didn’t have to enter through the groin. I am thankful that when I finally made it to the waiting room there was a lady handing out cookies. When the doctor was done my dad got broccoli. I am thankful our living room lights are on a dimmer. The rattier our sofas get, the dimmer I can set the lights. I am thankful that I caught my balance just in time in the bathroom at work when I stepped on that weird rubber mat in front of the urinal which then slid out from under my feet. The last thing I need is a team of paramedics showing up to find me unconscious on the bathroom floor with a urinal shaped dent in my head. I am thankful that I am no longer addicted to refrigerated lunch meats. I was able to quit cold turkey. I am thankful that my kids are always just a phone call away…even if we are all at home together. I am thankful that, unlike my dad, I have 2 working eyes, 10 working fingers and the ability to know how far is too far to hike into a train tunnel with your kids. I am thankful that I can find my snooze button without opening my eyes. I am thankful that I can find my toilet without opening my eyes. I am thankful that I can still fit into last year’s pants...although next year’s pants are still a little too big. I am thankful for Thanksgiving break when I eat lots of good food, watch football, wrestle with the Christmas tree, search endlessly for the faulty Christmas light and lay on the heating pad after getting 472 3-foot wide decoration boxes out of a 2-foot wide attic opening. I am thankful that my old Verizon TV remote still works so that I don’t have to get one of their new ones that had several key functions removed “for my convenience”. I am thankful that I had enough money to cover the bill when I took my future wife out to a fancy restaurant, even if I did end up with only 37 cents to pay the valet and tip the waiter. I am thankful that if I ever need a pop star I can just turn on the Disney Channel- any show- and they will do their best to create one for me. It’s like a pop singer vending machine, except all the Snickers and M&M have been replaced with Raisinettes and those lame multi-colored coconut planks that seem to only exist to make the other candy look better. I am thankful my dog has slowed down in her old age because that means fewer dead bunnies that have to be shoveled out of the back yard. I am thankful that the parking garage at work is clearly marked so that there is never a jam-up of cars due to a confused visitor at the front of the line backing up after realizing they are trying to get into the wrong gate every single stinkin’ day as I am pulling into the garage. They aren’t going to text you the directions. Turn your eyes away from your phone and up toward the numerous, giant signs that tell you where to go. Thank you. I am thankful that I have been in the design business so long that I am not even phased by receiving an email with the subject, “Urinal Conflict”. I am thankful that I finally got to try Tai food and that I am now experienced enough to know to just order a glass of water next time and get something edible later at the deli. I am thankful that the Tai food waitress didn’t slap me when I asked her what was the closest thing they had to the orange chicken at Panda Express. I am thankful that, despite what one might assume, the guests at our wedding rehearsal dinner seemed to enjoy their Little Caesars. I am thankful that I don’t still work as a paperboy. Nothing worse that whipping an unfolded newspaper under the door of an apartment in a retirement building and hearing the sound of what may or may not be the paper hitting a metal cane followed by the sound of what may or may not be a body hitting the floor. I am thankful that our office is in close proximity to numerous restaurants. Unfortunately, because our office is on the busiest road in Dallas you can’t get to any of them unless you wait until about 1:00 AM. I am thankful that, despite all my fears, my daughter has not yet driven the car through the garage and into our newly remodeled master bathroom. The last time I had a car in my bathtub I was 8 and the car was green Matchbox pick-up with a camper. A real camper- not a refrigerator box pretending to be a camper. I am thankful that, unlike my local news channels, I know the difference between “Breaking News” and just news. If it’s the 10:00 PM newscast and all of your video footage of said “Breaking News” was shot in the daylight, it’s not “Breaking News”. It’s just news. I am thankful for my fellow 1st floor tenants at work. Not the ones from other floors who, for some reason, decide it’s best to use our restroom on their way in and out of the building. If I wanted to wait in line to go to the bathroom I would have been born female. Regardless of what my high school P.E. teacher used to shout, I was not. I am thankful that, unlike my dad, I have 2 working eyes, 10 bendable fingers and the ability to know when a dinner invite is intended for me and when it is intended for the guy next to me. I am thankful for the Bacon Calendar that hangs above my desk. Although I do wonder why it shows the Jewish holidays. I am thankful for the bargain I get on pants. While I may only be paying for one, I am still getting a pair. I am thankful for water. Nothing tastes better that cold water. Sweet refreshing water. Delicious lake juice. A fresh, squeezed glass of rain. A tall glass of icy…wait, I have to go pee now.
Posted on: Fri, 29 Nov 2013 18:59:50 +0000