Ladies & Gentlemen of the Press... The President of the United States: Let me make myself perfectly clear... uh, um, uh... I have a planned strategy to confuse, and destroy ISIL! Um, uh,... I plan to launch a massive invasion into Iraq on October 25, the holy day of the Islamic New Year, at precisely 12 oclock AM Baghdad time. I will be sending over 25,000 of my best soldiers, lead by my top generals and brass who will be standing in the forefront. They will be landing in Umm Qasr, as our slower cargo planes will be carrying the heavier equipment just up the road at the al Basrah airfield the next day, or maybe the day after... um, uh... whenever they get there. Because of the of possibility of striking women and children, our brave soldiers will have no air support, because we dont want to make the people of Iraq any madder at us than they already are, do we? Uh, but I think we can bravely march on without jet fighter planes scaring the crap out of the villagers. But I will have my drones overhead so that I can watch the invasion in real time, and even though I have no military experience, Im sure as I watch that I can confidently direct our troops in battle. I have been practicing on my X-Box every day this past 2 weeks, so Im sure I can handle any situation that could arise. Since ISIL is rapping... um, could you correct the Teleprompter, please.... thank you. Where was I?... Oh, since ISIL is raping women and children so much, Ive instructed my Secretary of Health and Human Service to be sure that we air drop boxes of prophylactics into the ISIL camps. I took last Sunday off from golf to sit with my Muslim Brotherhood Advisers to the President to address my strategy plans of the invasion, as they assured me that everything will work out just fine once they make a few phone calls. Now those bastards at FOX News and Rush Limbaugh have been saying that I have no plans for dealing with ISIL... let me be perfectly clear, that nothing could be further of the truth, as I just laid out my plans to you, the press corpse, so that you know I am on top of this and doing my job in between rounds. By the way, are we still on for tee off at 2:00 today? Good! Republicans told me that they will not support me unless I have a coalition of support from other nations. Im pleased to announce that 13 countries have pledged support: France is sending 15 men, Italy 8, Spain told me they will release their prisoners to help in our fight, as I pledged to also release more from GITMO to do the same, Great Britain will donate some tanks they had left over from their Falkland invasion, Germany about 10 or 11 Skinheads, and so on. Switzerland told me they would even get involved by sending in chocolate for our troops. So Republicans can now shut up about this, and vote for the billions its going to cost the taxpayers to finance this whole, expensive operation, which Ive named Operation O-Boy! Thank you for your time... um, er, uh... I dont have time for questions, as Im already late for my tee off time. Lets have a happy new year! Allah... I mean, God bless America.
Posted on: Fri, 19 Sep 2014 02:59:21 +0000