Like everyone else, I was shocked by the news that Robin Williams took his life. [insert all the comments others said about growing up with him and the laughs he brought us all and the tragic waste of talent, etc...] But, Im also not shocked. Yes, its easy to look as his life and shake your head. He was successful, he was loved, he was wealthy, he had all the public affirmation anyone could hope for--and, no doubt, considerably more affirmation than is good for anyone. People say, I guess you really never know whats going on in someones head, do you? Well, no, you dont, especially when it comes to the suicidally depressed. As one who has, on a couple of occasions, been suicidally depressed (once for nearly 2 years), I can assure you that those close to the potential suicide are pretty likely the last to know. People that depressed dont see the world the way everyone else does. And if your mind--the instrument through which you can diagnose and address your own danger--is not working properly, you can be pretty far gone before you realize youre a danger to yourself. If, that is, you ever recognize it. Or maybe, like me, you do recognize it. That doesnt make you any more likely to tell anyone. You might be wondering if you have the guts to off yourself one day and wondering if you have the guts to NOT off yourself the next. This becomes your world. Its like this for days, weeks, months, for what seems like eternity. You deal with the pain one bottomless minute at a time, or our self-medicate, or you sleep, or you watch mindless t.v.--anything to get the hell away from yourself and your bullshit for a little while. After a while, there are these hours, days, weeks where you cant help thinking--all the damn time--that just being done with the pain and the bleakness and the sense itll never get better sounds more reasonable than all the stuff well-meaning people have said about how time heals all wounds, how things are always changing, how you never know when something good is just around the corner. The fatigue of carrying it all the time, of knowing no one can help you very much, can be enough to make you forget about how devastated everyone who loves you would be if you snuffed yourself. And the survivors are always devastated I had no idea! If Id had any clue, Id have done something. S/he could have come to me! But s/he KNEW Id have done anything for him/her--why wasnt that enough?! But asking someone whos suicidally depressed why they cant feel the love around them, why they cant see the million reasons to be grateful, why they cant just love life is a lot like asking a colorblind person to help you put together a color-coordinated ensemble. They just dont have the ability to see it the way others do. In my own case, and in the case of others Ive talked to who have been there, even knowing youre in trouble isnt enough reason to talk to those you care about. For one thing, the potential suicide doesnt want to face their messy internal shit. At all. How likely are they to burden others with it--or, just as daunting, to risk putting that toxic psychic waste out there and then having to live with the consequences of others knowing about it and needing to process and deal with it?! I dont have a big point to make here. Just providing a hand-drawn map of some territory many are lucky they dont know well. Suicide doesnt make sense. But, then, it is NOT about making sense to those who feel the world a bit too sharply or who got a bad deal off the genetic deck when it came to brain chemistry. Its about stopping pain. Its about punishing themselves for perceived shortcomings and imagined failures and the certainty that nothing will make it better and theres a point when even trying is more work than its worth. In short, its pain management of the last resort and telling people suffering in this way to sack up or get over it is just another dagger to someone who has a chestful. If youre reading this and you recognize youre own despair, message me. Tell me all about it. I will SO get it. But, beware, Ill tell you two things you might not want to hear: 1) if youre suicidal, you cant trust your brains assessment of your situation; and 2) see a doctor and get medicine. You need to break the negative feedback loop that is threatening to kill you. You need to touch bottom and get your bearings before you start working on putting your life in order. Anyway, farewell, Robin Williams. Whatever convinced you that there was not point in feeling the sun on your face, tasting the kiss of a loved one, and smelling the first roses of summer was a misery indeed.
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 06:03:11 +0000
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