Much love to yall for the kind notes & dozens of private emails sharing your support & care. It never ceases to amaze me how many people are privately battling brain disease or giving care to a sick loved one... It is a shame so many people are only able to feel the weight of public scrutiny, stigma & shame rather than the levity of community support, compassion & love. In many of the letters I received people remark how courageous I am to speak so openly about my lifelong battle against mental illness; but, the truth is it really those who suffer all alone in bitter silence who are the courageous ones... Sharing my battle against depression is my mode of survival, it is my way of shattering the darkness in the hope that some ray of light may appear. As some of you may know, I never spoke honestly about my struggles against sleep disorder, anxiety, depression, or suicidal ideation until very recently, despite living with neurological brain disease since early childhood and having a long family history of suicide, substance abuse, and mental illness. I was deeply in denial, unwilling and unable to acknowledge the seriousness of my condition until it literally almost took my life in 2011. When my Mama was diagnosed with manic depression in 1987, I was only 12 years old but I was old enough to observe how differently family, friends and people at church began to treat her and my immediate family. Papa used to say, if youre Mama had cancer, people would be bringing us casseroles. And thats had he taught us to take care of her; with compassion, as someone battling a serious medical illness worthy of dignity & love. I wish I could tell you that the world has changed since my Mama was first diagnosed & hospitalized; but, Id be lying. The truth is, I have felt the sting of stigma and the pain of losing relationships and career opportunities because of my brain disease: no one wants to be (dis)abled, and no one wants to date or hire a (dis)abled person. Or, so Ive learned the hard way. People ask me when I knew I was sick or what were the signs I thought something might be wrong. Well, there were countless symptoms: major sleep disorder from birth; severe melancholy & sadness that led my Mama to take me to the paediatrician at age 6; anxiety attack in grade 3 over a math test (I had a streak of 100% test scores in math then one day just before a test I panicked: what if I dont get perfect? I barely answered any questions I was in such a state of panic... This pattern of academic performance anxiety remained with me for a very long time; its why I failed university not once, but twice.); age 12, grade 8, I handed in a fictional story for English class in which the protagonist killed herself in by suicide in the wake of her mothers suicide; at age 19 I was rushed to the ER for a severe panic attack; at age 21 I developed severe migraines & IBS; at age 27 I started developing stomach ulcers from anxiety & had to have gastrointestinal surgery because the damage was so severe I was no longer able to absorb nutrients properly & had become malnourished & anemic; at age 32 I began seeing a psychologist for cognitive behavioural therapy after my marriage ended and my anxiety-depression induced insomnia became completely debilitating; at age 36 my MD thought I might have leukaemia because my night sweats had become so severe that Id awaken drenched in sweat several times a night for almost 8 months... It was shortly after discovering that I didnt have leukaemia that my relationship fell apart - my boyfriend at the time could no longer handle my bad behaviour - and my career fell apart - my SVP at work was deeply disappointed with my performance - and I finally accepted pharmacological medical intervention. That was 3 years ago. And what Ive learned since then is that sharing my battles is my way of kicking at the darkness until it bleeds daylight... My friendship with ML has changed my whole life. He & I speak the language of depression, so meeting him & talking with him every day is truly life-saving. His unconditional love & support gave me hope - hope that if I share my battles openly with family & friends & the community I wont be judged, or ridiculed, or criticized, or blamed, or abandoned as I & others have been in the past. And while not everyone reserves judgement or listens to my struggles with a compassionate ear, many, many people do. I cannot tell you how many good-hearted, loving souls Ive met on my journey in recovery this year, most of whom have been in my life all along and never knew what to do or say because I didnt know how to talk about what they could do or say to help me... So, please, if youre courageously braving this battle against brain disease all alone, please stop. Youre not alone & you dont have to hide who you are or what youre having difficulty coping with in life. Some may not understand you. Most will not be able to converse as fluently with you in brain disease as someone who is also sick. Nevertheless, I can promise you that youll be heard. And all it takes is one lifeline to save your life. ML is mine. And I found out I have many, many others. Reach out to a lifeline. Be a lifeline. We all need a lighthouse to weather the storms...find yours. XOXOX ❤ SickNotWeak coming soon!
Posted on: Wed, 13 Aug 2014 01:02:54 +0000
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