“Newport News Next 5 Interchanges” As soon as the sign entered my vision an overwhelming flood of emotions swept through my body, a haunted gasp escaped from my throat, and uncontrolled tears poured down my face. Like watching my life pass before my eyes, my mind replayed images of the past – my children playing, birthday parties, holiday gatherings, my dog leaping into my arms, friends and family who had visited our home – and the future – a future that would never be – our grown children with families of their own - grandchildren playing as we beamed with pride. It was almost more that I could bare…the empty road, the dark night, the rented car…returning me to a place I no longer belonged. “Oh God! I’m so sorry” spilled from my mouth over and over and over as the tears continued their relentless journey down my cheeks and into my lap. To leave was my choice. Was it an act of self-preservation or one of selfishness? Would I eventually feel free to move on or forever be stuck in this vicious cycle of “what ifs?” Would my kids really be okay or would they forever be scarred by my decision? Would the financial strain of starting over ever be lessened or would I end up destitute, never able to get back on my feet? Would the fear of letting anyone get close to me flee or would I forever be alone? Was I being punished? Strengthened? Prepared? And just as I felt my heart would literally explode inside my chest a song began to play on the radio…a song that seemed to answer my questions and served to remind me of why I had made the choices I made. I had become completely worn, at the end of any hope, and without a will to go on. I made a choice to live, to stand up to a toxic situation, and to set the example to my kids that the way we had lived was not okay. The “what ifs” were completely invalid because nothing had changed in over 20 years. I was so lost that I no longer had any idea who I was, what I believed, nor that I was once a very happy person. youtube/watch?v=-METBrlP3xU Immediately after this song ended, my favorite song of all-time followed, “The Revelation Song.” I will never forget the first time I heard this song, it was sung by Daniel Ethridge at a school concert. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard and I still say he is even better than the original artist. My plea for God to forgive me turned into a praise of who He is – a worthy lamb, Holy, merciful, almighty, wise, powerful, breath, living water, omnipresent, the King of kings, and MY EVERYTHING. I just have to remind myself - quite often unfortunately- that He is enough and that He will provide all my needs and desires as they line-up with His will for my life. This gives me great comfort to know that I do not have to make tough choices alone but that I can rely on Him to guide me. youtube/watch?v=dsiDukXIeVY So now as I sit in a bus full of sick people and people eating boiled eggs – yuck and yuckier – I begin to reflect on my week. My week began with visiting my son and daughter-in-law. It is apparent that they adore each other, have a wonderful relationship, promising careers that they love, a beautiful home, and 2 crazy and amazing dogs (they are great doggie-parents – their dogs are better behaved than most children). They treated me like a queen – taking me to eat, showing me around their city, and spending precious moments just talking and catching up. They are just fine. Next I went to see my daughter in her new apartment. She was the perfect little hostess. She had made up the sofa bed with fresh linens and pillows, had a fridge full of food she knew I would like, prepared coffee each morning, and got up way too early on the day I left to fix organic coffee cake (complete with the extra tucked away in my bag for the trip home). We played in the pool, got burned at the beach, and laughed so hard at YouTube videos that I was certain I had dislocated my jaw! She is completing her last year of college and has proven to be smart, resourceful, responsible, caring, and well balanced. She stands strong in her beliefs, has a great boyfriend that I adore (and his family takes great care of Ashtyn too – I am so thankful to them), and the silliest dog in the world! She is just fine. I was able to visit with my friends, former clients, and trainers! I was spoiled beyond measure with people having parties for me, changing their plans to see me, providing housing, food, and transportation. And most importantly, just spending time laughing and catching up. They loved on me so much that my heart ached to leave. (I have a feeling that was the plan – a conspiracy to bring me “home”). My friends and clients are just fine and my business is more than fine – it is being lovingly cared for by 4 of the best trainers in the world and I am so thankful and appreciative of their dedication to Body-in-Balance. I truly believe that revelations come when you are ready to handle them. A few revelations surfaced this week that sort of completes the puzzle of my former life. The pieces are ugly – and raw – but nevertheless, they are there. They make things much more clear, and they make the process of moving on a bit easier. And as my beloved counselor, Kristin, said after a 2-hour mega-session, “You are grieving something that would never have been.” And knowing the grieving cycle will probably continue for a while, God is good enough to allow me to go to the dark places, while providing the Light for me to somehow stumble to the other side. I know I can trust Him and I know He is whispering to my fragile heart, “I’ve got this.” And deep inside, I know He does and I, too, will be just fine.
Posted on: Sat, 24 Aug 2013 20:47:33 +0000
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