Oh my God your pain is so beautiful! What the hell are you talking about? I was chatting with a couple tonight, and the woman asked why it was so hard to sustain their relationship. And as much as I wanted to go get some gelato, I boldly decided to answer. Now I do know a bit about them, so its somewhat targeted, but it is EveryRelationshipThatsNotWorking in my humble opinion. After telling a quick anecdote that was neither funny nor understood by them, I decided to be specific. I said that they both need to learn the art of hearing the other, feel what is happening for the other, while managing their own personal triggers. When another person has a trigger it is often a built up story that: A) Doesnt make sense B) Isnt rational C) Isnt necessarily fair or compassionate for anybody D) Keeps re-occurring because nothing is being done to stop the cycle The woman fell for my trap and asked Well what do I do when these non-sensical, irrational, unfair, re-occurences are happening? I said that each person needs to block specific time when one person is listener and the other is processor. The listener needs to slice compassion into little pieces and realize that: A) When my partner feels like he/she is heard and that it doesnt have to make sense, then the soul will calm. B) When my partner feels like he/she is heard and that it doesnt have to be rational, then the soul will calm. C) When my partner feels like he/she is heard and that it doesnt have to be fair, then the soul will calm. D) When my partner feels like he/she is heard, then the soul will calm, AND ONE PERSON HAS BECOME SAFE FOR THE OTHER, AND THE RE-OCCURING ISSUE CAN HAPPEN LESS AND LESS. Creation of safety and a secure bond. All relationship problems can be solved when the two people feel safe. Communication skills and behavior changes are not enough. My soul needs to know that its okay with your soul if I am a flawed human, and that I can share steps A through D, and you will work hard to understand how and why that hurt happened in me. If you are doing this well, it is a big sloppy mess. So why is my pain so beautiful? Because every relationship has some level of these multi-layered hurts. And the only way through, is through. The pain is beautiful because it is the key to rebuilding the connection, or building it for the first time. The underlying emotional organizations in you need to be understood by me. Do that and youre in for some deep love. Intimacy takes one minute when this courage exists.
Posted on: Thu, 03 Apr 2014 03:22:11 +0000
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