One in four children who have a parent commit suicide, end up committing suicide themselves. In July of 2011, I was sitting alone, fully clothed in my bathtub with a knife in my hand so as to not make a mess when the blood began to run from the perfectly placed cuts I was about to make on my arms. Of course I had music playing as I always did but wasnt paying attention to it. All the frustration, pain, and hurt had finally won. My life as I knew it up until that point was about to come unravelled. I had abused my wife, cheated on her, and she wasnt coming back; my Air Force career was about to end because I wasnt fit for duty anymore due to my health and PTSD. Here I was a stellar Airman who couldnt handle his time in the Middle East and was full of anger and rage. Everything I had built up in my life was crumbling. My mind and heart were racing...it literally felt like my heart was pounding out of my chest. The end had arrived and I began to move the knife over my arm. Thats when everything went into slow motion. My hand wasnt moving as fast as I was telling it to. I was crying so loud, like a 1-year-old without their pacifier, but suddenly I didnt hear a sound. The last thing I remember is feeling overwhelmed and ready to die. The next thing I heard was my cell phone ringing. I thought what the hell? Is this how dead people in heaven or hell talked in this thing called the afterlife? I opened my eyes and there I was still in my bathtub with no blood, my knife resting loosely in my hand and this exact story and song was playing and its all I focused on. I promised to change my life that day. How fortunate was I to still be alive!!! I had stared death down and survived! I wish I could say I kept the promise I made that morning, but I didnt. I soon forgot just how fortunate I was. This wasnt the first time I had given up and sadly for me it wouldnt be the last. I thought I knew what The will to live will always outweigh the ability to die truly meant that morning. Once again I was wrong, but I sit here today knowing what it all meant and means to me...happy and finally at peace on this crazy ride called life. Shinedown - .45 youtu.be/mkBCosrxF5Q
Posted on: Tue, 30 Sep 2014 20:14:36 +0000
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