Part 49: {Suhaila} Now that the big project is over, I only go into the office once a week, for the weekly staff meeting and to deliver my work so the final designs can be approved or to receive feedback and amendments and suggestions to what Ive done so far. That stupid episode with Ismail being jealous because of Azras comments is over, but its left me feeling uneasy. Im questioning so many things all of a sudden. Does he really think me capable of that? Does he think so low of me? After everything weve been through, all these years of marriage, children, his business, have I ever, I mean EVER given him a single reason to doubt me? Yes, I worked my butt off on that last project, but I was doing it for our family. Its not my fault his business caved, but Im helping him out here! I never wanted to go back to work, I was happy and more than that, I was content being a stay home mum! I couldve been like Azra and sat at home and did nothing more than complain, but I wanted to contribute to our family too, to show my husband I would stand by him, to help him out wherever and however I could...Thats why at work, I felt I had to do everything asked of me, I had to work twice as hard to prove myself. Being out of the industry for over 8 years, I was so intimidated. Theres been so many changes and advances, in technology especially, I was always on the back foot. I thought hed understand that... But he didnt. Instead he was quick to jump to idiotic conclusions. That night I cried in the bathroom for over half an hour. I questioned myself over and over, thinking did I ever give him a specific reason to be jealous? Maybe I spoke about work too much? But if I did, it was only because it was such a drastic change after this time. It was exciting and challenging and like evrything else in my life, I needed to speak to my husband about it. He was always my sounding board about everything...my best friend, that I could to about everything; or so I thought... Yes, I was excited that there was a muslim person at the company so I would not be so isolated, and the fact that I knew him from when we were kids maybe contributed to Ismails jealousy... I never specifically said anything, or did anything, except try damn hard to do a good job...I dont know... So many questions, and each one just makes me more confused :/ Then I had a hot shower, and was about to get into bed when I heard Husna moaning in her sleep. I went to check on her, and lay down with her for awhile. I must have dozed off for a bit, because I was suddenly awakened by Ismail gently tapping me on the shoulder. Honey, Im so sorry. Please come back to bed. You cant sleep in this tiny bed, you going to hurt your back I got up, tucked Husna in properly and followed him to our bedroom. Do you want me to go sleep in the lounge? He asked. I just shook my head, turned over and pretended to fall asleep. The next morning we spoke again. He apologised, he said he felt unworthy, and was jealous. Not of my colleagues, but because I was becoming a success just when he was a failure. On one level I understood, or I tried to, but on another I cant shake this feeling of disappointment :( It breaks my heart. Things havent been quite the same since. We try and talk, and pretend like its all fine in front of the kids and family, but when were alone, its awkward. We disagree a lot, about the finances, about what to do on weekends, which channel to watch on tv, what takeaway to get... It doesnt matter really what it is, we argue, but like in a polite way, like you would with a stranger. Anyways, yesterday was the baby shower. Nuha was SO surprised. At least for once big mouth Zahra didnt blab and spoil the surprise. It was so amazing, and so much fun. Today, its Bilals madresa jalsa
Posted on: Mon, 24 Nov 2014 08:06:25 +0000