So I am at work talking to a co worker when out of the blue he turns and looks at me with eyes squinted and says, “So you used to be a pastor?” As always I kind of smiled and said, “Yeah I was.” “Do you ever have doubts?” he asked. This question came right on the heels of me finding out that a friend I grew up with died this morning of a heart attack. She was actually my sister’s friend and was about 30 years old. Apparently she took a nap and asked her son, probably 6 years old to wake her up at about 10 a.m. When he went into her room she was making weird noises and called his grandmother. She called 911. Her son, who as I said is 6 tried, to resuscitate her. It didn’t work. She died. “Yeah, I have doubts.” I said. “What do you do with them? How do you deal with them?” he asked How do I deal with doubt? That’s a really good question. Do I believe in God? Yes I do. I’ve investigated this topic. I’ve looked at both sides. As a matter of fact I’ve never quit looking at both sides. I read books that are inherently Christian and openly atheist or agnostic. I came away based upon evidence that there has to be something that made all of this. It’s too much of an astronomical “chance” for life to be without some form of a creator. I’ve also had experiences, unexplainable experiences. At times I have felt God as close as the breath on my face. But then there are other times, when I feel nothing. No goose bumps. No joy. No, well anything. These times are hard. But why? Why are times like these so hard? I think its chaos. The word Creator by it’s very definition means to bring order into being. So when this life of chaos and our belief of order slam into one another we have a big bang of sorts. Because by all accounts this life looks like chaos. I mean a 6 year old trying to do CPR on his mother, come on. “I guess I just ride it out.” I responded. “I don’t have an answer man. I have a shoulder you can cry on. I have ears that I can listen with. I even have time I can give you. I can tell you there has to be a God. Nothing else fits. But that God doesn’t really fit in my box either so… yes I believe in God. I’ve met Him. But I DO NOT understand Him. It’s when I try to understand Him and make Him fit my vision of what I think He should be that doubt really beats my brains in.” I then asked the only thing I could think of to do. “Can I pray with you?” “Please!” And we did. In the main aisle of the store. Two men full of pain, fear, confusion, and doubt. And the truth is, what else were we going to do? If this guy named Jesus doesn’t really have the words of life then we’re all sunk anyways. How do I deal with doubt? Sometimes really really well. Other times not as much. Either way, whether in chaos or in order, I still choose to believe.
Posted on: Fri, 15 Aug 2014 18:18:54 +0000