So, I have spent the better half of this week watching the back of my own eyelids. Now I know Im one for drama, but this time I thought Id really done it. Id managed to catch something big. Because thats the thing about being a health care provider. You can only remember 1 or 2 rare neurological conditions from your undergrad year in the 90s. But you diagnose yourself with them annually. Mine is gulllian-barre. Although now Ive branched out into chronic fatigue or fibromyalgia. I was going to feel this crap FOREVER. Yes, I did surrender wholly and completely into my illness. For really I had no choice. During the process of slipping into the unknown darkness were some really lucid moments. Sinking beyond the fever. Sinking beyond the pain. Where I could observe the follicles of my arm hair respond to the wave of my breath. With my eyes closed. And there were times when my self-talk. My saboteur would again draw me back into the stickiness of my self diagnosed terminal illness. As I made friends with Doxycycline and my GPs diagnosis of atypical pneumonia, not much changed. For 2 days. A chunkier cough. A more fatigued body. Reinforcing my own wikipedia led thoughts of serious illness. But quietly, with her new found friends of antibiotics, rest and time, I began to watch my body in awe rather than fear. And gradually, quietly, the warrior began to return. Her commitment to vitality inherit. The force of her breath stronger to open my chest and clear out my lungs. Her bones lengthening to re-align my spine. Her desire for the outside world dressed as my thirst pulling me from my bed. Into the light. Into my world. Into the realisation of what my body had done and was now doing. She was giving fight and reclaiming her life. We often berate our bodies. The saboteur cloaked in our shadows can pull us away from our deepest truth. Particularly when we are vulnerable. Or when are weak. And each time we allow the shadow to overpower our light, it starts to dream steal away at our personal power. Think heart opening, balance and anything where you bind your arms around yourself. The cave which you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek. Spend some time behind your eyelids. You will see your body as it is. As the ultimate gift of the goddess. Willing you to pursue freedom. Passion. Adventure. Open to your inner potential of beauty and truth. The body is willing. If you allow it. Just take your time. And stay away from wikipedia when your sick. X
Posted on: Sun, 02 Feb 2014 07:23:13 +0000
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