So, I was sitting here at the computer in the only semi-warm room in the house and I kept thinking I heard something knocking lightly on the door. Well, I opened it and looked around but didn’t see anybody or anything. I was just about to step out into the hallway when I heard a tiny squeaky voice say, “Hey, watch it, you big galoot!” Looking down, I saw a tiny mouse I was about to smush.” He said to me in that annoying little squeaky voice mice have, “I’s just wanted to tell you we is all moving to the garage. It’s just too damn cold in your house!” “A talking mouse! Wow; I haven’t seen one of those since I quit drinking.” “Hey, Goober, listen up! I said we is moving out ‘cause it’s to cold in your house. So’s you can tell the old battle-axe with the ‘flush em’ obsession we is gone.” “I guess y’all could come in here where it is kinda warm.” “Hell no! We has fell for that before. We come in and get all warm and cozy and your old lady comes in an’ sees us scampering about an’ makes you set traps ‘cause you is whipped, an’ we winds up dead.” “Tru dat!” “We just wanted to let you know, blubber butt, that because of all your past sins and transgressions against us, we is writing your name down in The Big Book!” “You mean The Big Book of Life – The Big Tally Book?” “Hell no, you bloomin’ ijit, The Big Book Of People And Other Hateful Creatures That Has Pissed Us Off And Is Going To Suffer A Whole Bunch When The Revolution Comes!” “Oh, that book. That must be one big book to have a title that long. Wahahahaha!” “Laugh it up, you fat fart. You won’t be so jiggly giggly when we ties you up an’ throws you in a corner an’ smears peanut butter all over you an’ wraps your privates in bacon an’ invites about 47 million of our closest relatives over for a fat feast! An’ - look at me, fat boy, look at me when I’s talkin’ to you - I got’s dibs Think I’ll have me some left nipple!” Well, you know what Robert Burns said about the best laid schemes of mice and men. I smushed his little butt even though I was barefooted. Now I kinda wish I hadn’t because if Mary decides we don’t need heat in this room I might have to join them in the garage. And I might not get the warmest come-on-in–we’s-so-glad-you-could come-curl-up your-tail-and-have-a-seat welcome. Meanwhile, I am stocking up on peanut butter and bacon because that might help. After all, they are one of the disposable Bic animals, so death might not be as important to them as their stomachs. Left nipple! (shudder)
Posted on: Fri, 31 Jan 2014 10:31:33 +0000
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