SuckWay – Eat Flesh Murtabak Kingdom, home to several renowned names in the fine dining and exotic cuisine fraternity such as Critters Connoisseur Cuisine, Meng Po Soups, Chun Mee’s Wanton Mee and Mr Kaneena Kana’s Prata House just to name a few, had Suckway joining its ranks. Suckway, a Fijian sandwich bar that has been making a name for itself after opening up a chain of shops in Fiji that is as long as a stand of unravelled chromosome. 1. Egg Ahyo Sub - $9.00 (Inch Long), $6.00 (Foot Long), $6.50 (Mile Long), $3.20 (Combo Meal) Combo Meal includes Baked Parmesan Baker and 1 gallon Dettol Milkshake This is an extraordinarily simple submarine sandwich for the simple-minded but the simply-out-of-this-multiverse rancid experience is simply too complex for this rudimentary dish. Skilled bakers with no idea what they signed themselves up for are hired to bake the popular Paralysing Oregano bread. Using a mix of mouldy yeast, self-deflating flour, quick drying cement and Tetradotoxin neurotoxin, the bakers must complete kneading the dough within 1.2 nanoseconds or risk having their hands encased permanently in diamond-hard pastry. The pastry is then sent to the cremation oven (together with the unfortunate and unwilling baker) where it is baked to burnt perfection at 1200 °C and a light dusting is required to remove ashes and bone shards from the charred pastry. From a myriad of ingredients, soft boiled rotten chicken eggs, fresh fermenting duck eggs and hard boiled century platypus eggs are expertly sliced by with a Maureen Saw and then unceremoniously stuffed into the bread which must be bisected using Maureen Saw™ Laser Beam Cutter with surgical precision. To complete the sandwich, putrid tomatoes, decomposing onions and wilted lettuces with fat crawling caterpillars are added to the sandwich and topped with a stingy sprinkle of expired mayonnaise, barbeque human sauce and Million Island Dressing. Finally, it is wrapped in yellowing newspaper to give the sub a musty expired aroma and an acquired taste of a Dumpster. This is certainly one sandwich that will make you exclaim “Ah Yo!” before collapsing on the floor, frothing at the mouth and convulsing violently. Customers are advised that only 0.1% of the Egg Ah Yo Sub is free of human components as the baker managed to bake the bread with all of their limbs intact. Addition of $2.50 will be charged for human-free Egg Ah Yo Sub. Side effects include broken teeth, fractured jaws, corroded tongue, lethal indigestion, constipation, loss of taste, paralysis, coma due to psycho-emotional shock, convulsions and instant death. 2.Cold Gutted Trio - $12 - Inch long, $10 – Foot Long, $8.50 Mile Long, $2.50 (Combo Meal) Combo Meal includes Homo Sapien Goulash and Buttered Finger Fries. A must-try for meat lovers as the Cold Gutted Trio is a sandwich that is devoid of greens and full of meaty goodness of generous portions stuffed between aromatic and delicious flatbread! Fresh prison inmates on death row are marched to the kitchens and ordered or lie on a fresh thick floury dough before being entirely enveloped in thick blankets of dough. Flipping on the newly patented Mr Kaneena Kana’s Prata Smasher and flipper, the dough (with live inmates) are repeatedly flattened with a force of over 3 billion pounds per square nano inch and then flipped with the skills of the prate master. The dough is then kneaded into the desired shape and separated into appropriate sizes before being subjected to infernal tortures in the True Samadhi Eight Trigrams baking oven (formerly the furnace used to bake the Monkey God alive but is patented by Aztecs Kitchens International). The meat is prepared fresh when customers select their inmates from a thick catalogue, indicating from which part of the body they want their meat to be sashimi-ed from and then choosing from a variety of executions (executions are carried out by professionals from Hanged Ten). Alternatively, if the customers are unable to stomach such fine fresh meats, they can opt for preserved corpse flesh in formaldehyde for a stronger taste, freshly buried meat with a muted earthy taste, fresh burnt victim if they desire barbeque or victim drowned in fish tank for seafood lovers. The chosen protein is then laid lovingly on the meaty and bloody flatbread before being smothered in Bone-Marrow Vinigrette and Fresh Palettes Mayonnaise! Diners are advised to chew their food slowly to savour the full flavours and of course, to not choke on the occasional sharp bone shards in the bread that comes with every bite! Suckway is proud to admit that this is the only sandwich that uses fresh ingredients. Side effects include overwhelming urge to chew on people, viewing humans as food on two legs and death from choking or overeating.
Posted on: Sat, 24 Aug 2013 02:40:31 +0000
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