Sunday dinner with Ronnie, Brian, Emily, Elena, Elizabeth and Adam Berendzen. Life at that moment was almost “good”. Baby steps. This broken hearted mommy knows in Sybil’s world one step forward could mean 3 steps back, so I am cautious. Spending two days in a row with my beautiful Elena was wonderful. She was a big ol’ play baby last night and was giving her Aunt Elizabeth some great “Elena smiles”. All through the evening I silently asked Corrie if she was there with us and realized how could she not be. She loved Sunday dinners (even when she had one of her infamous hangovers) when her brother and his family would come over and we would barbeque. Normally it would only take about 20 minutes before they were sniping at each other, looking back I wish I could have smiled at this sibling fighting this instead of sighing. Sometimes Corrie would ask if Elizabeth could come over for dinner and more times than not before the afternoon had passed she would add more of her friends. Ronnie and I didn’t care how many she invited as long as she told us so we could prepare enough food. We always loved to hear them laughing and even “arguing” with each other that normally turned to laughter! Last night was actually a last minute thing but such a blessing. I didn’t sleep well which really isn’t anything new, but even the few hours I normally get were interrupted and immediately upon waking, a wave of longing for my baby girl would envelope me. Finally, I just got up and sat in the quiet. No internet, no T.V., no books. I began talking to the Blessed Mother, I told her my heart was pierced with the pain of losing my Corrie, how she knows the piercing of a mommy’s heart and I know God has my baby girl in His care and protection. I then said the Hail Mary: Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, PRAY for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen. I then began thinking about my BCD life and wondered why I thought it was so riddled with problems and worries. Why did I waste so much time and energy worrying over things that I rarely think of now in my ACD life. Finances, weight issues, work, marriage, kids….Why? Because that WAS my life before Corrie’s death. That was my life because I thought my babies would live long lives, because I put them in the care of the Lord and Blessed mother every single day asking they stay safe from all harm, remain healthy and happy. When I heard the words telling me Corrie died, I remember at some point feeling betrayed, because I BELIEVED with my heart and soul the Lord and Blessed Mother would continue to take care of Brian and Corrie but they didn’t because Corrie wasn’t safe from harm and died. I know NOW God didn’t take offense me feeling this way because I am human. I am a mommy who faced her worse fear, who for over an hour while trying to find out where they had taken my baby, bargained and even threatened the Lord if He took her from I would commit suicide. Yes, as ashamed as I felt about saying these words, I want to be honest with my experience. I am blessed because a few days after we buried our daughter, I remembered my words that night and did ask God’s forgiveness. Even to this day when my sadness is so strong and I can barely lift my head from my pillow I have to fight the thought that I don’t want to live anymore. The thing is I DIDN’T COMMIT SUICIDE, I relied of God and my faith. You see, I have come to realize God didn’t betray me and is in fact taking care of my baby, HIS daughter Mary Corinne. I have said it over and over again, I believe that my baby’s beautiful soul was taken before the boats collided. I believe Jesus was there, holding her tight so she wasn’t afraid and made sure she didn’t feel a thing. God did keep her from all harm, she will never know sickness, and I know she is ecstatic with joy being in Heaven. For all of you whose family is still intact, PLEASE take a lesson from my life, money, jobs, school work, teen rebellion, marital problems, everyday stresses- they do seem overpowering but STOP…..look at your family and thank God for them because if down the road you must join the club, I can guarantee none of these problems will seem to matter any more. For every minute you waste worrying, you are missing time spent with your babies. Believe me when I tell you I know it isn’t easy to not worry but Sybil is infinitely worse. Matthew 6:34 - Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. My challenge today is take one of your worries and replace it with a song. If you are stressed out about Christmas and everything that goes with the season, play your favorite love song or hymn, rock out to your whatever music you love. To me the songs that touch your heart and spirit almost seem like a prayer in itself. What can it hurt? Yes, the worry will still be there but for a few minutes you won’t have to think about it. God bless, LET GO LET GOD, Dimes, pink skies & stars, mismatched socks, magic rocks. lost crock pots, wet puppy dog smells, quiet time, holding hands, I LOVE YOU’s, 3 kisses, summer rains, strong daddies, HOPE, PB&J sandwiches, two handed hugs, double rainbows, wax paper art, Angel feathers, snorts of laughter, FAITH, FORGIVENESS and Unicorns.
Posted on: Mon, 08 Dec 2014 14:30:31 +0000
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