THOUGHTS, QUOTES & FUNNIES … for a Monday: (Still on Food & Drink): Chocolate is so delicious! What a pity it’s not a sin! (Marquise de Sevigne) Just give me chocolate & nobody gets hurt (Slogan on T-shirt) Fun-sized Snickers? Who’s this fun for? Not me. I need 6 or 7 of these babies in a row to start having fun (Jeff Carlin) Training is everything – cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education (Mark Twain) According to my jar of pickles, there’s a 24-hour pickle hotline. I guess that’s if you got brine problems that just can’t wait until morning (Tim Steeves) I’ll have a double cappucinno, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing – but not so much that it would leave a moustache (Niles Crane – ‘Frasier’) I think they should put a warning label on strawberries: Caution – tastes nothing like a strawberry milkshake (Ryan Kaplan) You can’t get Dairylea cheese triangles in Bermuda (Tim Vine) My favourite part of the body is the navel. I like to eat celery in bed, & it’s an excellent place to keep the salt (Gerard Hoffnung) I put instant coffee in the microwave & almost went back in time (Steven Wright) There was an earthquake in Seattle, registering 6.8 on the Richter scale. No-one was hurt, but buildings were damaged. On one block alone, more than 400 Starbucks were destroyed (Conan O’Brien) -I take my coffee like I take my women. -Are you sure you want to spend 75 bucks on a cup of coffee (Stuart Bondek & Stacey Paterno – ‘Spin City’) If this is coffee, please bring me tea; if this is tea, please bring me coffee (Benjamin Franklin) If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee you have to take the spoon out of the cup (Norm Crosby) Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? (John Mendoza) You can’t trust water. Even a straight stick turns crooked in it (W.C.Fields) There are so many flavours of Coke now … Coke with lemon, Coke with vanilla, Coke with lime, Cherry Coke - & they’ve just brought out another new flavour … Coke with Pepsi (David Letterman) Is this liver, or am I changing a tyre? (W.C.Fields) Life is too short to stuff a mushroom (Shirley Conran) The herb crust on the cod could have been adapted, with minimal effort, for use in germ warfare (Matthew Norman) I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes? (W.C.Fields) The champagne’s alright … but the blackcurrant jam tastes of fish (Derek Randall, about caviar) You never know where to look when eating a banana (Peter Kay) The snails still had their horns & were curled up & wrinkled, like frost-bitten snotty noses, boiled to death in their beds! But the taste was miraculous (A.A.Gill) I don’t eat snails. I prefer fast food (Roger Von Oech) An onion can make you cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make you laugh (Will Rogers) Cured ham? No thanks pal … cured of what? (Tommy Sledge) Tofu … have you ever had a yeast infection? (Ruby Wax) A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in (Tommy Cooper) The process of making onion soup is somewhat like love; commitment, extraordinary effort, time … & will make you cry (Ronni Lundy) In Mexico we have a word for sushi … bait (Jose Simon) I got kicked out of a movie theatre for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession stand prices were outrageous. Besides – I hadn’t had a barbecue in a long time (Emo Philips) The German sausage looked like a cross-section through a dead dachshund (Clive James) ** Still more tomorrow folks! ……………………………………………
Posted on: Mon, 25 Nov 2013 12:52:12 +0000
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