The Chronicle of the War On Big Ass Spiders - Part 1 of 2 A year ago I posted a couple of articles on my old blog concerning the epic and heroic tale of my brush with personified eight legged evil. Since taking down that old blog, the story (lessons and truths contained within) have been silent. NO MORE! This is a saga that must be told so future generations may learn from, and find courage in, the fact that Big Ass Spiders will not win! To quote Starship Troopers, The only GOOD BUG is a DEAD BUG! I felt compelled to share this today because there was another skirmish today and it is important to also provide context. I will post this first part tonight and the next tomorrow. Then, this most recent skirmish Thursday. Plus another trusted friend said I shouldnt chicken out and post it anyway :) ... Without further ado ... --- The Chronicle of the War On Big Ass Spiders - Part 1 of 2 - Originally written August 18, 2013 Nature and I have an awkward relationship. I seem to love it, well most of it, ... well maybe a small majority of ... actually, if all of nature had air conditioning and no bitey, stingy, fang-y things ... our relationship wouldnt be AS awkward. However, nature likes to laugh at, and bite me, when it can. Lately, I have had an ongoing WAR! with Big Ass Spiders here at the RandyThomasHQ. I have posted status updates about this epic battle with the eight legged evil ones, and their axis of evil friends* (dumb ass roaches and crazy ass skeletor wasps) to my personal Facebook profile. These status updates are quite powerful, and deeply impact friends/supporters of RandyThomasHQ. They, yes indeed, ... enjoy ... these tales of mighty valor! They are awestruck by my incredible skill with the not-actually-ever-used hillbilly flame-thrower (Aqua Net and a Hot Pink Hello Kitty Lighter). They marvel at my deft use of the Kill The Big Ass Spiders Spray (Raid), and my mad Ninja Big Ass Spider killing skillz in general (involves a clever use of stomping and screaming.) ... all this usually when I am only dressed in boxers and t-shirt. The Big Ass Spiders like to attack when they think I am weakest. FOOLS! I am deadly in my boxers! ... wait ... that sounds a little weird ... whatever! HA! I laugh at their lack of chewing ability! #BigAssNoMandibles ! I think it might be the profound Starship Troopers effect on society ... people love a good BATTLE! Battles that brings justice to the evil arachnid spawns of hell! ... and their giggle-y dastardly ways! A friend said to me, I cant believe you are saying ass all over your Facebook profile. It must be freeing to be so free with that word. No my dear concerned ass friend. I am simply being accurate: Spiders = BIG = ASSes Roaches = DUMB (no matter what their size) = ASSes Wasps = CRAZY = Skeletor = ASSes Its a war son ... no time to be delicate concerning Big Crazy Dumb Ass Bugs! Friday night I had another epic Lord of the Rings type battle with the Big Ass Spiders. Maybe, the biggest one yet. A battle that my legacy will write songs about and sing around the fake campfire displayed on their 80 inch super high-definition 3D television portal of the future. Sidenote specifically for the following Thomas generations: Kids, stay away from the hillbilly flame-thrower. It should only be handled by expert Big Ass Spider warrior ninjas who have been expertly trained in the use of hot pink Hello Kitty lighters. And kids, always go for the gadgets of the Apple, Inc. kind and stay inside with the air-conditioning. It will go well for ye then. But Alas, I must recover from the Friday night, August 16th 2013, historic Big Ass Spider Battle first. I will share the incredible details with you in due time. Until then, lets just say, I came THIS close to screaming like a four-year old little girl ... stay tuned to find out if I actually did ...
Posted on: Wed, 30 Jul 2014 02:04:56 +0000