Three Dots By Tracy K. Lorenz January 20, 2015 I was rummaging around in my basement and found some old Detroit Free Press columns I wrote thirty (freakin’) years ago. The thing is, back then I never wrote an entire column on one subject, heck, I never even wrote a whole paragraph, all I wrote were one-liners that appeared in my mentor Bob Talbert’s weekly column. I haven’t written in that style since, well, then, so I thought I’d try to recapture the magic. (And for those of you who didn’t know, I put in “…” in every column as a tribute to my man Bob.) Anyway, here goes… If nothing else Alex Trabek can be credited with teaching an entire nation how to pronounce “Potpourri.”… I immediately dislike anyone who posts on Facebook and uses the words “Amurika” or “Nameste.”…If you’re in a Facebook flame war and you use the word “delusional” you’ve already lost….Does K-Mart still have Blue Light Specials?...If you refer to your wife as the “old lady” you probably don’t have a job that requires you to wear a tie….Muskegon needs an umlaut… Mὓskegon = cooler… Why is “toothpaste” called “toothpaste” when it has no adhesive qualities?...And does anyone put as much toothpaste on their brush as they do in commercials? I wonder how many tries it takes before they make that perfect little “S”?...Do psychologists charge schizophrenics double?...It’s weird that slim chance and fat chance mean the same thing….Whereas “cleaned up” and “took a bath” mean opposite things…Is it really necessary to print the answers to puzzles upside down in newspapers? If you’re going to look you’re going to look….With the supposed strength of the SEC in college football you’d think there’d be at least one pro player named Bubba… “Benny and the Jets” is forty years old, it must be just about time for me to die…Who’s less well known; the keyboard player for Salt n Peppa, the third Thompson Twin, or the drummer for ZZ Top?...I don’t think I’ve ever watched Saturday Night Live on a Saturday night…Do we really need four different sized eggs?... I’ve never been to Michigan’s thumb….I wonder how many of today’s kids have never taken a drink from a hose?...If God gave you a choice would you rather have two Mulligan’s or two Time Outs?...No one, ever, has looked cool while chewing on a toothpick…I wonder when was the last time someone found a deal on Ebay?...Remember when commercial jingles were fun to sing along with?... I hate when I hold the door open for a stranger and I misjudge the distance between them and the door so I either have to stand there too long looking like an idiot or they have to do the little jog which completely negates the gesture….Why is pants plural but shirt is singular?...As a group, I believe lottery ticket buyers have the worst dental hygiene… Do women still wear panty hose?...What good are beautifully manicured nails if you can’t conjugate a verb?...I hate watching people eat bagels with cream cheese because they do that weird giraffe-lip thing before they take a bite…Confidentially, Ive never like Motown music…Are there any guys out there who still wear an earring?...Besides pirates…Any candy labeled watermelon, blueberry, or banana flavored tastes absolutely nothing like watermelon, blueberries, or bananas….I’d like to nominate the “er” in hamburger as the world’s most forgotten suffix… How long before someone mentions “Superbowl” and “Commercials” in the same sentence?...Wait, I just did…Speaking of the Super Bowl; a few years back I used a stop watch (another brilliant column idea) and timed the game only when the ball was actually moving, it was just a little over two minutes….two…minutes… Does anyone ever eat the Orange Marmalade jelly they give you in breakfast restaurants?...Girls Basketball is a national disgrace…With this year’s complaints about the Oscars not recognizing any African American actors I believe crying “racism” has officially jumped the shark…Three TV cliché’s I’ve never seen in real life: a moose head at a garage sale, a man in a cast sitting by a fire in the ski lodge, a sleepwalker walking with his arms straight out….Rule number one of aquarium ownership: The cheap fish never die...
Posted on: Wed, 21 Jan 2015 18:34:41 +0000