Today is my hair day. Little Mama is doing laundry. Or I should say, she started it. She has now moved on to trying to unwind her hairnet from her toothbrush so she can go brush her teeth. I think back to how orderly she used to be... a place for everything and everything in its place kind of world. Now everything is hidden and when the need for something arises, it becomes a frantic, hectic search for whatever it is, all the while blaming THEM for coming in while she slept and taking it away. I miss the rational person she used to be. I miss conversations. We dont have conversations anymore. I try only to be reminded that the confusion in her eyes is my doing because I introduced something back into her momentary consciousness that she no longer has a connection to. :( There are no words for how that makes me feel. But in an odd way, I have also lost the connection to it as well because theres no one else left who remembers it but me. Went to bed last night and had a long talk with God and my spirits. I didnt cry, which was a plus for me, but I had to get all the sadness off my chest. My family is unsettled, and as a mother and a daughter, when that happens, I have this overwhelming urge to try and find a way to fix it. And I cant. It is a journey and we all have to travel it in our way, even when we feel like were lost. Even when the end is nowhere in sight, we are still moving forward. Right now it feels like were walking in darkness; at best in shadows. I look for a day of sunshine as desperately as a farmer needing rain. Even if my world is in shadows, the least Mother Nature could so is provide a little light like yesterday, but not today. I got up to cold and windy and gray skies and felt the same inside. I kept moving around with my morning chores and reading papers and watching Little Mama pretend she knows what shes doing while guiding her to the table with her bowl of cereal and glass of milk; pretending it was me who forgot the sugar, pretending I was the one who caused the table to shift and slosh milk out of her glass. But by the time breakfast was over, I was already back in that sad, hopeless place. And so I headed for the office to write to all of you and as I stepped into the foyer, something told me to open the front door so I did. Just as I stepped out onto the front steps, three blue balloons sailed right in front of me like a surfer riding the waves, and just to punctuate their passing, one of them popped in mid-air. I laughed. Sure you can say it was a random thing. But you will never make me believe it. I was sad and now I am not. The Other Side cant fix what Im going through because it is MY journey, but they did what they could to fix my heart.
Posted on: Tue, 01 Apr 2014 14:32:26 +0000
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