Today is our sons 24th Birthday!! Happy Birthday Aaron!!! Not a day goes by that we dont think of you! Its a tough month no doubt. 6 months since you left, Your 24th Birthday and 2 days later, my own. I LOVE Birthdays. But this one will be different. We had some plans for this year. Im going to do my best to see that I can at least get some of them done. you were supposed to have my back remember?! My flare for them isnt the same. I know that will get better, just waiting for that better part to happen. ;) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ That Darn Door I thought of you again today, as like many days before. I hear a sound and think Its you that will walk through that darn door. I expect to hear your voice and to tell you to clean your room. But when I turn or look around, its just me standing in the room. You used to fill the house with noise, be it good or bad. Now all I can do is sit alone and think of the memories we had. Its not that I am sad all the time. Im not even really angry anymore. I just sit and think of you and glance at that darn door. I glance at that darn door you see, because it could be just a trick. it could be all not real. But then it hits me like a brick. I know it is. I know its real. I know because I feel. My heart is heavy and its broken. Its “in time” Im told it heals. But in the meantime, a tear slips down my cheek because you see, it still feels. It feels the memories of your little hand in mine. It feels the memories of your smiles. It feels as well, the tough times. And to erase those Id walk a million miles. Im bothered by the the words unspoken. I had so much more to say. Im bothered by the thoughts of others, that claim my loves not real. I have no right in their eyes, because you were not mine. I have no right in their eyes because of those hard times. Its easy for them to think this. Its easy for them to claim, all the glory and the good times, and to leave me with the blame. I dont mind anymore honestly. From them I have moved on. I have no time to waste,trying to explain to them theyre wrong. You and I had healed so much and I am so grateful for that. But now I sit and stare at the walls and wonder where your at. Someone told me your right here. That you have not really left. That you sit with me and walk with me and all I want is you back. It helps I guess to see it that way. Yet its in my heart I lack. I lack the knowing that you knew, exactly how I felt and just where my heart was at. Again it is in time Im told that the pain I feel will ease. I just wish we had more time to talk and to make more memories. I cant believe how hard I struggle with this new path Im on. I have others in my life and for them I must be strong. Its just so hard on certain days, now that you are gone. Im glad they dont think its wrong. Im glad they know the real me and that they know my love was strong. On that day I married your dad we all agreed to become one. On that day I vowed before all and God to raise you as my son. You were so bright and full of life I guess I should have known, that you would not walk long among us and that it was home that you belonged. For that is where the very special go. Where no one feels any pain. Its where you get to walk with Him and call Him by His name. Its where you got your answers. Its where you felt you must be. I just miss you and I love you so. Im grateful that you hear me. Im glad as well, that your not far. And when I want to talk to you I just pick the brightest star. Its just at those times, when I find that I have more to say. Those times when my heart aches so bad that my chest is in true pain. When Im missing you all the more. Its in those moments that I just sit and I get quiet And I look at that darn door.
Posted on: Wed, 30 Jul 2014 17:53:18 +0000