UPDATE JUNE 29, 2013 I have spent months bathed in the blue haze of the television watching endless hours of reruns. I have ventured to enlist a reading lamp to peruse magazines, books and junk mail. I have rummaged through the internet in exhaustive research about everything that I ever wondered about. In these past months, my only forays into the sunshine have been limited to leapfrogging from the house to the truck to the store and back again. With the hazy days of summer upon us, I made the decision to take a few minutes to actually sit in the back yard on a chaise lounge to reacquaint myself with “Old Sol.” I share the following account with you because Jim would have been greatly amused by my clumsy misfortune as I hope you will be. It was mid-afternoon on an 80-degree day and Jim was solidly asleep. Visitors were gone and no one was on the schedule. I was on my own. Just a few minutes in the sun would be a welcomed change so I set about preparing as if I were going on safari. Finding a pair of shorts and a tank top to wear was no easy task as it’s not been a priority for a long, long time. Apparently neither has shaving my legs, but with little time to waste, I shelved my dignity and opted to leave my grizzled limbs in the prickly shape they were in. I gathered my cell phone, beverage, cigarettes, lighter and baby monitor to hear Jim’s stirrings and laid them out with precision next to the chaise lounge. To be perfectly honest, the lounge chair was a simple assemblage of tubular aluminum outfitted with some non-descript webbing. It would serve the purpose, however, of supporting me above the hard ground… or at least that was weight-bearing promise of the contraption when I purchased it at the Dollar Store. I eased myself down into the chair and assumed the pose of contentment… interlaced fingers cradling my head, ankles crossed, face angled skyward. It was glorious to feel the warmth upon my countenance and to see the pink interior of my eyelids. As the sun beamed upon my translucent and hairy skin, I took a deep and giddy breath and let out an audible sigh. I was lost in deep thoughts until I heard the deep groaning of stressed metal like a submarine at crush depth. That was quickly followed by the ping of rivets launching into oblivion, the driving of my head into the earth and the catapulting of my legs upward to a 45-degree angle with my chest. For fear that a neighbor had seen this most embarrassing incident, I nonchalantly untangled myself from the wreckage and stood up as if crushing my lawn chair was an intended timer to call it a day. I looked upon the aluminum heap with the satisfaction of having exhausted the usefulness of a piece of metal furniture and with feigned victory I hauled my hairy legs back into the house. The road to hell is paved not only with good intentions but also cheap lawn furniture. ~ Kelly Linn
Posted on: Fri, 28 Jun 2013 14:16:45 +0000