Well here I am again with eyes full of tears turning to a pen & paper for some release. Im thinking of the people who will read this, and those who will choose to skip it - who it will resonate with, and who will ignore it. The sad thing is those skipping are the ones who probably need to read it most. Its on all of our facebook feeds. Death. Suicide. I understand that you may feel bombarded by all of it, but for just one moment, please understand that this is my everyday reality. These thoughts, stories, excuses, and heartaches pass through my mind every single day. My heart just breaks a little bit more every time. It doesnt matter if it is Mr. Robin Williams or a kid Ive never met, or someones Dad or Grandpa - each time I hear of a life lost, I die a little more inside. I cant sleep or think - I just relive a nightmare that is burned into my brain. I dont think it will ever go away. I dont want your pity - I want you to be aware and reach out to someone in need. I wish I had an easy answer for this devistation. There is no solution that can be filtered all across the world to stop suicide. From all that I have been through and all that I have learned, Love is the only thing that can even begin to heal the wounds of the world. Please dont judge people who have succumbed to this awful way of dying, and please dont judge their survivors. None of us have asked for this fate. I have friends that wont talk about it with me. They avoid me on days that are difficult, and steer clear of tears that may fall out of nowhere. I have no disease - no infection that you need to stay away from. I have suffered the greatest loss imaginable, and I will continue to suffer - but I will never stop fighting to save another life, or to save another family from this hell. It may seem so far away from you - but in our lifetime, unfortunately, we will all be touched by suicide sooner or later. Some much more devistatinly than others. I never thought this was something that I would be dealing with - EVER, and now Ive lost my daughter. My beautiful, precious daughter. I am not angry with her - I love her more than life itself. She made a bad decision when she wasnt thinking clearly, and she cannot undo it. I know she would if she could. There was nothing wrong with her. She was funny and smart and amazing, and will always live on in our memory as just that. Do not judge her. I will fight you to the bitter end if I hear any judgements about her. Ever. I will fight this fight for my family. My son. My neices & nephews. Your children. Your grandchildren. Your parents. Please dont walk away or turn a blind eye - I pray you never have to feel this pain - cry these tears, but God forbid, we never know what tomorrow may bring. Many people who end their life suffer from mental illness, such as depression. I know depression. I know medication for depression, I know therapy and I know the endless darkness that encompasses your entire life. It is an indescribable pain that is hard enough to cope with, without being judged every time you turn around. Life is hard, and Ive been dealt a shitty hand. I have in my lifetime forgotten more pain than most people will ever know. Hours of confession to a wonderful caring soul that is my counsellor has set me free from much of that pain. Im not crazy - I just need some help coping from time to time. Im not embarrassed to see her - Im trying to help myself by doing it, so that I can live a good, honest, happy life. Nobody seeking help for any medical issue is ridiculed, and mental issues are no different. My heart aches for Robin as his beautiful pained soul hid behind his comic relief. So many people have mastered the art of smiling through their pain, joking through their heartache. I have been one of those masters many times. No fame or money or stature separates people who suffer on the inside. Dont try to face it alone. Accept that hand that reaches out for yours. Accept the love that is offered so freely to help you find your soul again. Some days I feel so sad & lonely walking this journey, and though I know it isnt true, I feel like Im fighting a solitary war against the world. I have acres of courage, and I will stand alone and speak my words. If only one soul in a million hears them, thats ok with me. You do not have to stand by my side. I would rather be alone than beside someone who doesnt believe in me, isnt proud of me, and wouldnt walk through fire with me. I am attending the After Dark event in September - my photo and story being displayed as a suicide survivor - an amazing group of people joining hands to fight against suicide. An event where we can stand together to save lives, and I hope that you will be standing with us. You may not feel the passion that I do for this cause, but please dont belittle me because I have passion for life - my life and yours. I worry that so many people suffer from depression and dont even know it. I can pick it out a mile away. I look around this life and see people every day caught up in some stupid dramatic situation where they throw away love as if it is meaningless. People who treat their partners like shit, day in & day out - but yet they stay and continue to be belittled and feel useless.Then I see someone else who bends over backwards to show someone how much they care, and they are totally rejected. People who are in your arms one minute, turn their back and never speak to you again. How can you not be depressed? Im sick and tired of the stupid bullshit games that people play. What gives you the right to treat someone like they dont matter? What gives you the right to make them feel like less of a person because they are different than you. Why is it that drama has a way of holding people together who are clearly better off apart - friendship or relationships. Why is it that nobody wants to partake in a relationship where love is first & foremost? Is it too easy? Is it boring?? Im not sure if Im crazy or if the world is. From all the heartache Ive faced, all I want in my life is love and peace. You are no different than I am - I know that you have all suffered some lossess, some defeats - some life changing event that broke your will and took the wind from your sails. We are all in this together. Im not going to quit, and if I have anything to say about it, Im not going to let you quit either. We all need to find a hunger for happiness. I want to spend my days showering those I love with all the goodness I can find. I want to show them love - I want them to walk through every damn day until eternity knowing that I am firmly by their side, and there is nothing that would change that. Does that make me a bad person? WTF is wrong with this world we live in? If there is one thing that I know for sure, it is that we are not promised tomorrow. Listen to your heart. Let it guide you in life. You need to reach for your own happiness - fight for it. Care for you. Allow yourself to be important enough to wipe away all of the bullshit and focus on what is real. If it means looking like a fool - if you need to drive 500 miles - if you need to swim an ocean - do whatever it takes. If you have to swallow your pride and be the bigger person, then do that. Let someone you love know you love them. Let them know how important you are to them, and if you need to apologize - do it. With class. Do not walk away and give up. Sometimes the things or people who seem unimportant, turn out to be the most amazing things in our lives. You are strong, you are worthy. Please, make some changes in your life, before you run out of time. Give love. Make a difference in someones life - Starting with your own. As I close my eyes tonight I am reminding myself of the blessings in my life. I pray that God watches over Chad, my family & my friends. I pray that he holds Robin Williams family, and all of the other families suffering through loss close to his heart. I pray that they might find just a little bit of peace to make it through the night. And I pray for all of the hardened hearts that cannot accept love into their life. Those that choose to close the door to love that would comfort them and keep them for eternity. May they find peace within themselves to live life with passion, pride and love. 💜💜💜
Posted on: Wed, 13 Aug 2014 03:21:56 +0000
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