When I decided to get a divorce in 2009, one of the most hurtful things I experienced was that the women who were once my only friends suddenly turned a blind eye to the fact that I was no longer with my spouse. In hindsight, I realize that since they were married talking about divorce must have been something very uncomfortable for them. However, it wasnt so much that they felt uncomfortable talking about my divorce that bothered me at that time (although I admit that our communitys lack of willingness to acknowledge or confront this present day issue definitely bothers me now!). Rather what really hurt me impactfully was that the only time these women finally approached me about the matter was to either: 1) Convince me to get back with my ex. This was not happening because I knew my experience with him better than anyone else, and after 6 long years I was done trying to make things work because most of all I was done suffering!! My friends really didnt even bother to try and understand my reasons for leaving and assumed it was irrational and emotional. 2) Tell me that whatever I went through couldnt be that bad. After all, everyone has problems in their marriage! Ok, so unless I am being beaten badly, as a woman part of my duty as a wife and mother is to make things work no matter what!?! Unfortunately, this implied enduring mental/verbal/psychological abuse and harassment which I had already endured more than any one should ever have to. They assumed that the hardships I endured in my marriage couldnt be any worse than their everyday struggles to get their husbands to take out the garbage and put the toilet seat down with out ever even trying to understand my reality. 3) Express how selfish they thought my actions were because after all, how can a good mother put her children through a DIVORCE?! The way I saw things how could I possibly allow my children to continue to grow up in such an unhealthy environment? Interestingly enough I would later learn that children who grew up in abusive households, whose parents remained together until they were older, WISHED that their parents had divorced because the stress levels and unhealthy environment in which they grew up had a tremendous negative impact on them especially in their teenage years. 4) Tell me that I wouldnt be able to survive in this world without a man in my life and ask me what would happen to my children. I feel that if someone is not willing to take the time to seek understanding and chooses to pass judgement, then at least fear your Lord and dont add to the hurt and suffering by pulling the rug out from under someone who is already struggling to stand up tall without support from others by undermining her self confidence and filling her with self doubt. 5) Etc...etc...etc. Why am I bringing this up today, 4.5 years later? I am doing so because yesterday I ran into yet another woman who was in tears about how she was afraid to even tell peole she knew she was going through a divorce because they have no idea what she went through and as soon as they hear she is going through a divorce they tell her the types of things I mentioned above. She said to me that she wished if they didnt care to really understand her and support her than the very least they could do was to not pass judgement on her for her decision to leave her marriage. She said If they have nothing good to say, why cant they just pray for me? Her self confidence was injured and she was filled with self doubt even though she knew her experience best and she knew that she had 100% made the right decision for her and her family. According to her, these friends did not understand that just as no one loves her child more than a mother, in the same way a mother would never allow harm to come to her child by subjecting them to a divorce that was not necessary and in their ultimate best interest, and mother knows best, right? In conclusion, I leave a few key points: 1) If you are experiencing a divorce, you know your story best. Have confidence in yourself and your decision, do not let anyone take that from you because they are not in your shoes. 2) If you are interacting with someone who is going through or has gone through a divorce please do not pass judgement on them. Try and show compassion and seek to understand and support them. Life is unpredictable and we should always treat others as we would want them to treat us if we were in their shoes. If you cant do that then just pray for them and do not speak negatively or harshly to them or about them. The status update from Regina and my interaction with this woman is what sparked this reflection. Thank you for your time.
Posted on: Sat, 30 Nov 2013 19:07:40 +0000
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