Why All The Negativity, Criticism and Fault Finding? What can you do? The subject of today’s post is a question I’ve been asked too many times to count. Why all the negativity, criticism and fault finding in relationships? Obviously it creates bad feelings, bad blood and bad outcomes. Yet it’s a common pattern for people. What’s the deal? Turns out that it’s easier! Finding fault is something anyone can do. Think about it, you’ve been trained to do it since you were very small! From picking out what doesn’t belong (remember? They gave you tests to help you learn this way!) to parents and other authorities to trying to help you shape up (remember, they meant well!) to the professional mandate to think critically and find out what could go wrong before it actually does (the adage ‘an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure’ applies here) it’s easier to find fault than to take aim and move forward. That’s why the vast majority of people on this planet are doing just that, whether they are world leaders reacting to crises, to company leadership managing the latest crisis, to the person you live with coping with the addition of your shortcomings to theirs. Years ago, someone gave me a little card that reads “Whatever I focus on expands.” At the time, I misunderstood, but I get it now. Notice only what’s wrong and it will soon dominate your thoughts. Pull on the thread and the whole sweater may unravel. But focus on what you want and where you’re going and how to reduce the difference between the two, and you’ll have momentum for change. Informed by what you perceive as wrong or that could go wrong, but focused on what you can get right and do right, you will find more wind in your sails than is available in the doldrums of negativity. Here are a few ways to respond to negativity in an effective way: 1. Before talking about what’s wrong, put it in the context of what’s right. Get on the same page by finding common ground. Standing together, you can resolve differences. Standing apart, all you can do is grow farther apart. 2. If results are bad, look for the good intention driving those results, and creatively find a better approach to fulfilling that good intention 3. Don’t link criticism with appreciation. Separate them out, or the criticism may cancel the appreciation out. Instead of “You did good but…” try, “Here’s what worked. Here’s what we want more of.” Once they’ve received the goodies, then, “In this area, I’m certain we/you can do better. And in order to get better results…” then either ask what lessons can be learned or what can be done differently. Fixing blame fixes nothing. And remember be specific. If you want to turn ‘that’ into ‘this,’ or ‘this’ into ‘that,’ then be specific about both this and that. I’ve heard it said that for every negative moment in a relationship, it takes five good ones to compensate and get back to level. That’s the hard way to move forward. And while it’s common, and while you’ll find plenty of people that do it, you can choose a better way. I use a different formula. In my system, every negative moment is a positive 0pportunity for change.Replace negatives with directions, surrounded by recognition and appreciation. And just watch people blossom in the presence of your uncommon attitude
Posted on: Mon, 01 Sep 2014 07:43:32 +0000
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